


Hope is the thing with feathers

by littleconnections



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Berlin - Freeform, Foreign Exchange Student, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-27
Updated: 2012-09-27
Packaged: 2017-11-15 03:18:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 25,427
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/522555
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littleconnections/pseuds/littleconnections
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Going isn't easy but he does. He comes to Berlin, meets new people, sees the city, falls in love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hope is the thing with feathers

**Author's Note:**

> So this is my entry to the KH Big Bang and it's basically twenty-five thousand words of Roxas falling in love with Axel and Berlin. The lovely Konamoo drew art for me which can be found here: http:// konamoo.deviantart.com /art/ AkuRoku-Black-Lights-329253086

It’s August the first time Roxas sees Berlin outside of the window of the airplane, a giant, sprawling city beneath him, squinting at the shapes of buildings, landmarks he’ll later be able to pinpoint He’s tired, sleepless from the flight across the Atlantic. Six hours, give or take, and he’s spent most of the time watching one movie after another, cramped into a tiny seat while the man in the seat next to him snored.

But he’s here now, milling around with the rest of the passengers waiting for his luggage to arrive. It’s a tiny room, compared to what he’s used too and the passengers are almost standing on top of each other. Some crowd closer to the baggage claim area, but Roxas hangs back. There’s no point, he’ll be able to move forward if his luggage arrives quickly and if not the others will be long gone.

Everything seems washed out and surreal. Roxas isn’t sure how long it he hasn’t slept, he flew off sometime in the morning, but despite not doing anything on the plane he’s exhausted and nothing seems real anymore, so he just stands around, letting everything wash over him, blinking slowly.

Leon meets him outside the baggage claim. His hair is longer than Roxas remembers, but he has the same even, serious features with the scar that Roxas had always been curious about but had never dared ask what happened.

It’s been four years since Roxas has last seen Leon, back when Leon was Cloud’s roommate during college in Boston. When Roxas had stated his desire to come to Berlin for a year, to study abroad, Cloud had called up Leon and Leon had readily agreed to let Roxas stay with him for a couple of weeks, until he could set up his own place.

They say hello and Leon asks him about the flight before taking one of Roxas’s suitcases. It’s strange, Roxas thinks, as he follows Leon out of the airport that his whole life can fit into two suitcases and a backpack.

The airport is small and full, people bustling by on all sides, everyone in a hurry to get from point A to point B and Roxas has his hands full, dodging people and keeping up with Leon as he weaves his way through the crowd.

Leon’s car is a pretty little black Audi and he drives too fast as they leave the airport, Roxas uncomfortable with one of his suitcases across his knees. It’s heavy and awkward, pushing at all the wrong angles and obscuring the view. They don’t talk much and Roxas tries to watch the scenery passing outside but he’s tired so he rests his forehead against the hard plastic of the suitcase and closes his eyes, feeling the air conditioning blow, listening to the soft purr of the motor, almost silent though Leon was shifting gears impatiently, dodging people that went to slow and honking at taxis that cut him off.

Roxas can’t say how long the drive to the apartment is, he may have fallen asleep against his suitcase at one point, but finally they’re there. Leon hunts through the street looking for a parking spot, finally squeezing himself between a beat-up mini-van and a Smart. They have to walk a bit to reach Leon’s building, the suitcases dragging over the sidewalk, rattling quietly. The sky is still blue though the angle sunshine that is pouring down between the leaves of the trees that are planted in regular intervals on the sidewalk reminds Roxas that it’s evening here. It’s still much warmer than Roxas expected it to be, though, the air wrapping itself around him feels good on his skin.

Leon’s building is high, blue and new and Leon is pulling one suitcase while Roxas lugs the other into the elevator. There’s barely any room for the two of them and for a moment Roxas is almost tempted to use the stairs but Leon catches his eye.

“It’s on the tenth floor.”

So Roxas resigns himself to being squashed against the wall as the elevator rises swiftly and silently.

“How is Cloud doing?” Leon asks. The silence seems more awkward here; the need for small talk greater though it isn’t like either of them really likes it. Roxas’s brother is an easy subject. Or well, the only one they had anything to say about really.

“Cloud’s fine,” Roxas says, struggling to contain a yawn, “He and Aerith got engaged. They’re getting married next summer.”

“I know,” there is an almost smile tugging at the corner of Leon’s lip and then the elevator bings softly and the doors slide open.

The apartment is small and neat. They slip out of their shoes at the entrance and Leon carries the suitcase through the living room and past a half opened door where Roxas glimpses the white tiles of a bathroom.

“This is where you’ll sleep,” Leon tells him, leading him into a room that looks like it was hardly ever used, “Until you find something of your own.”

“Yeah,” Roxas nods, nudging the other suitcase with his foot and dropping the backpack on the floor, “Great. Thanks,” he clears his throat, “thanks for doing all this for me.”

The smile is there again, a swift, fleeting movement across the stern features, “No problem. You want some dinner?”

Roxas is starving so he nods. He wasn’t able to eat the food on the plane, poking the suspicious looking chicken and finally settling for just eating the salad and the bread. He follows Leon into the kitchen. It’s not much, especially compared to what Roxas is used to. A small stove and refrigerator, shelves and cupboards made from white wood. There’s a large, dark, wooden table that almost, but not quite, seems out of place in the soft, light interior of the apartment.

“How do you feel about scrambled eggs?” Leon asks

“Great but - uh, I can make myself something,” Roxas says, “You don’t have to-“

Leon waves an impatient hand at him and Roxas accepts that for tonight at least he is going to be fed. Instead he steps up to the window and takes a look outside. He can see Berlin from here, masses of grey spiky buildings and wide streets.

It doesn’t look like much, daunting mostly. Nasty, socialist, sixties buildings and construction sites but Roxas feels an excited pull in his chest nevertheless because he’s finally here now. Really, truly here.

“Plates are over there,” Leon nods at one of the cabinets, busying himself with a frying pan around the stove.

“Yeah,” for a moment Roxas keeps his eyes focused on the world outside, the tiny people and cars, then he turns around and opens the pale, white door. It feels soft and cool under his fingers. “Do you need a plate?”

Leon shakes his head so Roxas takes one plate and set it on the table. For a moment he stands there, in socked feet and with rumpled clothes, hair standing on end, blinking as a wave of tiredness washes over him. He shakes himself, trying to get rid of it.

“Ah, fork?” He asks.

“In the drawer.”

He pulls open three drawers before he find it. By now Leon has finished frying eggs, and filled them into the plate. He takes a glass out of one of the cabinets over the kitchen counter and pours Roxas water, setting it down on the table. Roxas scoots over and sat down himself, starting to eat.

Leon opens the refrigerator door and pulls out a beer for himself that he proceeds to open. He leans against the kitchen counter, arms crossed and beer in one hand, watching Roxas.

The eggs taste good; warm and sticky and salty. Roxas eats quickly, hungry as he is. He’s quick and methodical, not stopping until everything was gone.

“So,” there’s tiny grin at the corner of Leon’s mouth, “what are you going to do now?”

Roxas is drinking, so he shrugs. He knows what he has to do; find an apartment and get everything set up with the University, but other than that he doesn’t really have an idea yet. His mother had given him a guidebook and he had packed it in one of the suitcases, he thinks. Probably.

“Do you want me to show you some of the sights?” Leon asks.

Roxas stiffens, hands tightening around the cool glass.

“Uh, no, thank you but, I- I don’t need a babysitter,” he says, not wanting to seem ungrateful, but really he doesn’t. And he isn’t going to be shuttled around by Leon, who probably had other things to do. It would just be awkward and besides wasn’t the whole point of this that he had the chance to do things by himself?

For a moment Leon looks at him, dark blue eyes narrow and thoughtful. Then he shrugs, sets down the cup and opens one of the drawers, one that Roxas had looked into as well and that was overflowing with random stuff, key chains and lighters and little bags of screws- Leon digs through it for a moment, then he tosses Roxas a set of keys and a folded plan.

“That is a plan of the subway,” he explains when Roxas unfolds it, staring at the colorful lines in confusion, “Those are your keys. The big one is for downstairs, the smaller for the apartment. I will give you my handy number.”

“Handy?” Roxas looks up, frowning.

“Cell phone,” Leon shrugs, “Handys is German. It sounds so English I forget it’s not. Sorry.“

“Ah,” Roxas went back to studying the plan, eyes going over station names, _Alexanderplatz, Ostkreuz, Zoologischer Garten, Nollendorfplatz,_ connected by colored lines. He’d figure it out.

“You should probably get yourself a German cell phone,” Leon mused, “from O2 or something.”

“Yeah,” Roxas answers, and then for a moment he’s terrified, thinking about everything he still has to do that hasn’t been done yet, that he’s going to have to do. But this is what he decided, what he wanted. He’s going to get through this.

\--

It’s a noise outside of the room that Roxas notices first. Not a loud noise, just the soft sound of someone moving around the apartment and it doesn’t really wake him, just pulls him out of the deepest slumber and as he lays there with his eyes closed and tries to place the noise he remembers where he is.

Berlin. He’s finally made it, the months of planning and emails and running from one office to another have actually paid off. This is the start of his year here. 

So that’s interesting but not enough to really rouse him and he stays in his half slumber for a little bit longer, until he feels himself getting hungry. He doesn’t know how long he’s been asleep. He’d gone to bed relatively early last night, after dinner. He’s lucky he was so exhausted and managed to fall asleep, now his sleep schedule should be pretty much synched with the time here.

Roxas opens his eyes and takes in the room, the careful neatness that makes it looked unused, the white walls and the light wood floors, shiny and new. His suitcases and backpack are standing in the middle of the room so that you have to climb over them if you want to get anywhere. There’s a closet too, and a table but neither of them looked like they’re ever used.

Roxas gets out of bed and feels that disgusting, dirty feeling that comes when you travel for a while, stiff and as if everything is clinging to him, somehow. He didn’t bother showering last night and his mouth feels nasty and he desperately wanted to brush his teeth and bathe. 

 So he gets up and pushes the suitcase that’s blocking his way to the side, the thing is fucking heavy. It’s not very warm yet, so it seems like it’s still pretty early in the morning, but the air has that feeling it gets sometimes, the one where you know the day is going be disgustingly hot and it will make you want to sit down and not move again, ever, please. Roxas crosses the apartment, padding through the living room and into the kitchen where Leon was standing, making himself coffee.

“Morning,” Roxas mumbles. Leon grins, amused.

“Sleep well?”

“Yeah,” Roxas runs a hand through his hair, “What time is it?”

“Almost seven. I thought that, since you didn’t want to be babysat, I would go and work,” Leon glances at his watch, “Which actually means I have leave now. You have my phone number right? In case of emergency?”

“Umm, yeah, yeah I do,” Cloud had given it to him in case he couldn’t find Leon at the airport.

“Good, then I’ll see you tonight,” Leon washes out the mug and sets it down in the sink, then pushes past Roxas. He can hear him moving though the apartment, gathering up a couple more things, then Leon calls out a good-bye and the door closes.

So, Roxas has a day to himself. Which is what he wanted. Right.

\--

Roxas has breakfast (mostly coffee, though he does steal some of the toast) and then a shower. When he’s dressed he wanders through the apartment aimlessly for a while, looking at Leon’s books and the odd pieces of decoration that don’t seem to fit together in any discernible way. He turns on the TV and watches for a moment before deciding that morning TV was even worse in German and turning it off again.

He’s really just trying to kill time, because he figures it might be smarter to go out in the city when people are actually _awake_. So he wanders back into his room, starts rummaging around in his stuff and discovers a dilemma.

He doesn’t have a bag. To carry around with him, that is. This hasn’t ever been a problem before, since until now the only things he’s wanted to carry around with him (wallet, keys, cell phone) had fit into the pockets of his pants. But now there are a guidebook (the one his mother had given him) and a dictionary lying on the bed that might prove useful and they certainly aren’t going to fit themselves into his pockets.

He can dismiss the guidebook fairly quickly because it’s so big and heavy and screamed TOURIST but his German-English Dictionary could prove useful. It’s the second book that is giving him problems. It would be better to take it, because then at least he has something other than pantomiming to fall back on, but…to take a backpack just for a dictionary? And doesn’t a backpack scream tourist too?

In the end Roxas decides to leave both the dictionary and the guide book at home; he just tucks the plan Leon had given him in one pocket. That would have to do. He has Leon’s address scribbled down as well; all that’s left is to hope for the bet.

The heat strikes him again when he’s outside. There isn’t actually much difference to inside, but combined with being out in the blinding glare of sunlight, Roxas thinks he’s going to die. It’s not fair. He thought Germany was a country that was supposed to be gray and rainy, kind of like England except not as bad. And here’s the kind of heat that makes you want to stop moving.

But he’s out of the building now, so there really isn’t much choice except to start moving. Randomly picking a direction Roxas starts to walk, looking around, trying to fit the way it looked into his brain so that he would actually be able to find his way back.

He walks to the end of the street, where it crossed a larger road and turned left. There are people walking along here too, and bicyclists driving over the sidewalk, in the red part that signals it is _theirs_. The cars drive by quickly and more than once someone honks, long and loud and aggressive. In the middle of the street rails were sunken into the ground and after a few yards of walking a bright yellow train-thing, the tram, snaked passed.

It’s weird being out like this. He feels good, awake after a long nights sleep and there are people everywhere in the streets going about their business. It’s busy and bright and he feels good, good about being here, good about being outside. He’s wandering around the city, without any real idea of _where_ the hell he is, just walking, following the street he’s on. Buildings rise up on either side of him, high and grey, full of balconies and small windows reflecting the light, and there are construction sites everywhere, forcing the bikers onto the street and the pedestrians very close together.

Roxas walks along the street, Karl-Liebknecht-Straße, there’s a sign at the street corner, until he comes unto something that he recognizes. He had done some research before leaving, a little only because reading about things you’d never seen before really didn’t do it for him, but this he knows, the TV-Tower, _Fernsehturm_ , over a thousand feet tall, with a restaurant in the spherical observance deck. It’s the tallest structure in Germany, if he remembers correctly, so he corrects his course towards it.

‘Alexanderplatz’ the signs leading to the subway inform him. It doesn’t really do much for him, there’s no map in his head, nothing to connect the name to. It’s not a reference to a location to him; he doesn’t have a location currently, he’s just drifting somewhere.

But yeah, Alexanderplatz and Fernsehturm and there are more construction sites and people sitting around, on steps and are those couches over there? Little shops selling food, Döner and Currywurst and French Fries but Roxas isn’t hungry yet, just thirsty. So he buys coffee from one of the shops, internally thankful he had gotten Euros back in the States, and wanders around the…square (what’s the proper translation for _Platz_? It seems too big to be a square) until he finds a place to sit on the steps leading up to a water fountain, one with Poseidon and little children running around in it barefoot, screaming at each other.

Roxas hates calling it People Watching because it seems so pointless, like you have to look at other people because you don’t have anything of your own to do, but it’s what he’s doing now, looking at the people, drinking it in, the atmosphere of the place. Young people in skinny jeans and piercings, couples with children, punks and their dogs, tourists with their cameras and maps, and everyone talking to each other, harsh German sounds and more than a few other languages as well.

It feels weird. He feels weird, sitting here and drinking coffee, watching people and pigeons picking at leftover crumbs. He still isn’t quite on top of things, what with the heat and the flight and the time switch and it feels like there’s something in his head, pushing to get out.

Roxas blinks, then finishes his coffee. He gets up from the steps of the fountain, avoiding the water a little girl is kicking at her friend, screaming in delight and decides to go look for a trash can to drop his cup into.

They’re easy enough to find, bright and orange as they are and at almost every street corner. Roxas drops the bottle inside and tries to figure out what to do now.

Well in general, he’s here now. He’s managed to arrange to come to Germany for year, to study Architecture at the Technical University of Berlin. He’s staying with his older brother’s best friend until he can find an apartment of his own.

There’s still so much left to do. Getting an apartment of his own, making sure everything works with the university, opening a bank account, getting cell phone…

But right now, right now he doesn’t want to do any of that. Right now he closes his eyes and tilts his head towards the sun (just for a moment, he isn’t going to stand around like an idiot with his eyes closed) and lets the babble wash over him. He was here now, away from home. It’s different, new, an adventure of sorts and he feels his heart flutter. This makes him _happy_. It’s exciting and it’s what he wanted, what he chose for himself. 

Then someone bumps into his shoulder and Roxas opens his eyes. The person has already pushed past, without so much as an apology, but Roxas feels himself smile and he starts walking again, drifting toward the subway.

There’s one coming just as Roxas climbs down the stairs, orange and with people streaming out of the doors while the other people wait around for a chance to get in, the sign over head blinking _Pankow_. He follows people into one of the cars and the behind him the doors beep and close.

The seats are mostly taken, so Roxas stands, holding onto one of the metal bars, trying not to bump into anyone as the subway lurches into motion. He isn’t really sure where he’s going, but he figures he’ll just ride the subway until some place took his fancy and he’ll get out and walk around some more.

-*-

He ends up riding the subway all the way to the final station (“this train terminates here!”) and then back, looking at the unappealing subway stations, mostly concrete and metal, with harsh sounding names (“Rosa-Luxemburg-Platz” “Schönhauser Allee”) and watching the people. At one point he gets a seat and everything still seams surreal and washed out, stretched thin somehow. It’s probably just the fact that he’s jet lagged and hasn’t quite arrived yet, but it’s still strange and tiring.

At one point his mother calls his cell phone and he assures her he’s fine and that everything’s great and he can’t really talk right now but he’ll definitely call her back.

He manages to find Leon’s apartment again and only walks the wrong direction twice. It’s still warm and Leon takes him out for dinner, which they mostly spend in silence or talking about Cloud or what Roxas is going to do now. It manages to be simultaneously nice and awkward.

He isn’t tired and at nine-thirty it still isn’t dark yet, so he sits on Leon’s balcony and drinks a beer and looks at the city. It isn’t pretty, he thinks, but he smiles as he looks. It isn’t pretty but he’ll like it here.

-*-

Roxas is at a party. It’s a student’s party, an _international_ student’s party. He’d seen a poster for it when he’d been over at the university, trying to get everything set up so that he can start in the winter semester in October. Worth a shot, he’d decided and now he’s here and remembering that he’s no good at meeting people.

Still, he clutches his drink and pushes his way through the crowd, trying to find a spot where he can unobtrusively figure out what he’s going to do next.

The music is loud and shitty but there are people on the dance floor, pushing into each other and there’s an excited babble in the air, German and English and what the hell else. Roxas watches the dancers for a moment, uncoordinated movements and more enthusiasm than skill and decides that he is not drunk enough for this yet (he’s not much of a dancer).

He finds a spot he can stand at without feeling too awkward and sips his drink, trying to seem casual and how do people do this? How are people social? Do they just walk up to people and introduce themselves? Was this how it worked?

“Oh sorry, _umm, ich meine Entschuldigung,”_ someone bumps into Roxas from behind making him spill a bit of his drink.

“It’s fine,” he says, before he remembers that he’s in Germany and he starts to fumble for the proper phrasing-

“Oh hey, you’re American too?” The guy who bumped into him grins at him. He’s short (so Roxas’s height) with evenly tanned skin and bright blue eyes. His brown hair sticks up in spikes and he smiles, wide and bright, “I’m Sora!”

“Uh, Roxas,” Roxas says, “I’m, uh, I’m from Boston.” It’s dumb, he sounds dumb.

“Nice,” Sora says and he steps up to the wall next to Roxas, leaning into it like he’s going to stay here for a while, “I’m from Florida. So, you’re studying at the TU?”

“Yeah,” it’s still loud so they’re half shouting at each other but, well that can’t be helped, “Architecture. You?”

“Oh I’m at the Humbolt University. Studying, uh, sports. Which is a thing! It’s totally a thing you can do!” Sora laughs, “I know this is TU party, but my one of my roommates is at the TU and I’m supposed to meet him and some friends later, so,” he shrugs, eloquently.

“Oh,” and Roxas panics a little because what is he supposed to say and is he keeping this guy from his friends-

Sora, however, seems oblivious to his panic and just keeps talking, “But yeah, Riku isn’t here yet, he texted and said he’s gonna be late so I figured I’d just grab a drink and wait for him, but hey, you seem cool, so, how come you’re here?”

He looks at Roxas, all bright eyes and eager and Roxas isn’t really sure how to handle this. For all that he does well with people he knows already he can be awkward as fuck when first meeting someone and this, this is just…odd.

“Well, my university has a coordination thing with the TU,” Roxas says, “and I have a minor in German and a lot of people talk about how cool a year abroad is so,” he shrugs, “I figured I’d go for it? And my brother has a good friend in Berlin who’s kind of helping me set up. I mean, I have to do most of it myself but I’m staying with him and he sort of, advises me, I guess?”

“Nice,” Sora seems appreciative at least, “It’s good if you have someone to fall back on for advice. I spent last year traveling around Europe with some friends and when I was in Berlin I met my roommates. I mean, we became really good friends when I was here and when I figured I wanted to study in Berlin we decided to move in together. They’re really awesome.”

“That’s cool,” Roxas says and, because he doesn’t know what else to do, took a drink.

“Yeah,” Sora nods, “it’s pretty great. I really like Berlin; it was my one of my favorite places when I travelled. Definitely my favorite city with a university I could study at. And, well, meeting amazing people makes it easier to decide. But you’re just here for a year then? Not doing your whole Bachelor here?”

“Uh, no,” Roxas answers, “Just the year. I don’t think my parents would appreciate me being gone longer.”

“Hmm,” Sora looks thoughtful, “I dunno, it was always clear to me that I wasn’t gonna stay home. I mean, I love it there. It’s my home and I’m definitely going back but,” he grins, “I figured if I’m going away I might as well do it properly.”

Roxas stares at him. How is he real?

“So you met a lot of people yet?” Sora asks.

“No,” Roxas says, “I’ve mostly been getting things set up. Like my apartment and stuff with the university. Lots of paperwork. This is actually the first time I’ve been around students properly.” He sounds a little pathetic even to himself but Sora doesn’t seem to notice.

“Oh man, you should totally come hang out with us then! Riku’s at the TU with you and he’ll probably bring some friends from there, it’ll be awesome!” Sora looks enthused and Roxas feels overwhelmed but it’s not like he had anything else to do right?

“Thanks.”

Sora looks like he’s about to say something else but then he starts and begins to dig through his pockets, pulling out a cell and reading something.

“Oh hey, Riku finally made it, come on!”

He pushes his way through the crowd and Roxas follows, trying not to spill his drink on himself or on anyone else.

Sora makes his way straight towards a group of people standing near the entrance. The music wasn’t quite as loud here and there were people all around, on little couches and tables, chatting and laughing.

“Hey!” Sora shouts and then there are handshakes all around, Roxas standing off to the side, unsure of what he’s supposed to do now.

“ _And who’s this?”_ a tall, skinny redhead asks, Roxas catching his attention.

“ _I’m Roxas,”_ he introduces himself, glad he can form the words in German even with his accent and holding out his hand for the guy to shake, “ _Sora and I just met.”_

“Huh,” the guy takes his hand and shook, “Axel.”

His eyes are very, very green in a pale face and it looks like there were tattoos on his cheeks. Long, red hair spills over his shoulders and his fingers are very warm in Roxas palm. He almost feels like he’s holding his breath.

“ _Oh yeah,_ ” Sora grins at him, hand on Roxas’s shoulder and pulling him over, “ _we just met but he’s studying architecture at the TU this year and I think we should take him with us. This is Kairi and this is Riku.”_

Roxas shakes their hands. Riku is a guy with long, sleek, silver hair that falls into his green-blue eyes. He’s tall and solid and gives Roxas a slight smile as he shakes his hand. Kairi is a girl, taller than Roxas in her heels and wearing a bowler hat over her dark red hair. She smiles too, bright and easy.

They go grab drinks after that and Roxas is somehow in the middle of their group, pulled along with them. They chat, to him and to each other in a bizarre mix of English and German and he if he doesn’t get it then it’s not so much a language problem as it is the fact that he just doesn’t know what they’re talking about.

But it’s fine, he doesn’t feel like he’s being excluded because they try to explain their jokes, try to explain what they’re talking about.

Finally everyone has drinks and by some miracle one of the tables is unoccupied and they squeeze around it. Roxas ends up between Axel and Sora, still clutching his drink (it’s rum and coke, by the way).

“ _So this music is pretty shit,”_ Riku says and stares at the dance floor. He manages to look judging without really changing his expression.

“ _This is what you get when you let TU students DJ,”_ Axel says, “ _We’re good with machines but even those that think they like music-“_ he waves his hand around to illustrate.

Kairi laughs, “ _So who should DJ?”_

_“Art students, obviously.”_

Roxas laughs and Axel grins at him sideways and there are things Roxas isn’t thinking about right now.

Or no, that’s not true because he is thinking them. He’s thinking _this guy is pretty_ and _wow his eyes_ and _there is no way in hell he is looking at you_ and _no he’s not flirting stop thinking that_ because that’s what he’s used to. He’s used to shoving these thoughts down and not-really-thinking them. He’s used to keeping this to himself because he always has and even if he said things were going to be different in Berlin (far away from everyone) well, you can’t just change yourself can you?

They keep chatting until their drinks are finished and then Axel asks: “ _More drinks_?”

Riku narrows his eyes at him, “ _just so you know: you getting drunk and hitting on people is **verboten**. No way is that happening again.”_

“ _What happened last time?”_ Sora asks, but he looks gleeful, like he knows the answer is going to be embarrassing for someone.

“ _Oh dude come on, that was one time,”_ Axel starts with a groan but Riku gives him a withering stare.

“ _You decided that the best way to get the hot guy’s attention was to make out with **me**.”_

_“It was very hard to pry you off him,”_ Kairi agrees, eyes dancing, but Roxas heart is sputtering because, oh god, the pretty guy is into guys too and it’s just a thing, a thing they talk about and make fun of him for.

“ _Whatever,”_ Axel glares at him, “ _I don’t want to stay here anyway. We should just grab some beers at a Späti and go to the park or something. I bet Zexs will meet us.”_

“ _Alright,”_ Riku shrugs, “ _we’ll get out of here.”_

His gaze falls to Roxas, “ _You’re coming too, right?”_

_\--_

They go to a Späti, which is apparently what they call little convenience stores that sell beer and candy way after midnight. Roxas grabs _something_ because there are rows and rows of beers, most of which he’d never heard of before. It’s a German thing, he figures as he digs through his wallet, trying to find the correct change.

He rides the subway with them, next to Sora who keeps grinning at him. They know where they’re going, Riku is texting someone, so he just sort of tags along, comfortable enough for now. Some of it is the alcohol, half a beer and one rum and coke is not a lot of alcohol, but it’s enough to soften the edges. Another part of it is the fact that they’re strangely welcoming, all of them, accepting him into their group.

They end up in a park with an unpronounceable name, sprawled in the grass. There are other people there, people Riku and Axel know, a chemistry student called Zexion and a guy with a guitar called Demyx and other people whose name Roxas can’t remember. It’s dark, streetlights at the edge of the park illuminating it softly and someone has a flashlight but there are lots of people in the park, soft chatter all around them.

Roxas flops down on his back and peers at the sky. It’s dark, there aren’t any stars visible. _Light pollution_ , he thinks.

“Hey,” and there’s a pair of pretty green eyes looking down at him, face mostly in the shadows, “so we didn’t really get to talk yet? What are you studying?”

And that’s, that’s English, flawless (if strangely unaccented) American English and for a moment because Roxas is confused because Axel has flawless, unaccented German as well.

“Uh, you’re American?” is what he says because obviously he’s _stupid_.

There’s a grin, half hidden and Axel answers, “My mom’s American and she raised me. The passport says German though.”

“Oh,” Roxas says, “cool.”

He laughs at that, “so, you, TU, what are you studying?”

“Architecture,” Roxas says and pushes himself up from where he’s laying on the ground so that he can actually look at Axel properly. Also, he was pretty sure there were bugs climbing into his shirt, “The exchange program is pretty good. So, yeah, I decided to go for it.”

“Our Architecture building is fuck ugly,” Axel informs him, “I don’t know what that says about the quality of the department. Mensa’s pretty good though.”

“Mensa?”

“Uh-food place? Cafeteria? That’s the word right?” Axel shakes his head as if trying to clear something, “sorry, languages and alcohol it gets-“ he waves his hand around, to illustrate just how it gets.

“Yeah,” Roxas says like he gets it, which he doesn’t, yet. Speaking German isn’t natural to him, not easy at the best of times. It’s different when he’s drunk, easier because he doesn’t think so much, harder because, well, what are the right words? But somehow he doesn’t think that’s what Axel means.

“Anyway, the food there is pretty good. You have to be careful with the Mensas. Cafeterias. Some of them are really good but some, like the one in the library are just god awful,” Axel says and takes a sip from his beer, eyes closing when he smiles. He really is very pretty, Roxas thinks, then feels kind of stupid for it.

Behind them the guy with the guitar starts playing a singing in a language Roxas doesn’t recognize. It’s warm and dark and _different_. The people are different, the air is different and the sounds are different. He feels different and figures it’s not such a bad thing.

At some point in time the party breaks apart, but not before Sora has done a big round of exchange-the-phone-number and so Roxas ends up riding the subway home, fiddling with his phone and looking at his greatly expanded contact list.

Axel’s number is right there at the top.

\--

Roxas apartment isn’t much and if he was staying in Berlin permanently it probably would be _not acceptable_ , but he isn’t so it is.

It’s only one room, with ugly ass blue carpet and little kitchen partition. The bathroom is small and crowded and the entrance is between a copy shop and a sex shop (okay that part is, admittedly, hilarious) but it’s cheap and close to the university and had a washing machine in it already.

Roxas doesn’t have much in the way of furniture yet, just a table (currently strewn with his laptop and various university information), a closet (in which most of his clothes are, the ones not on the floor) and mattress (no actual bed yet because of an Ikea disaster and he hasn’t gone back yet). He lives on the fourth floor and just outside his window is a tree, filling the view with little green leaves.

Currently Roxas is on his computer because that’s finally, finally set up and he’s answering his friends’ e-mails and not skyping with anyone because it’s before noon and that means everyone back in Boston was still fast asleep, the fuckers.

Roxas phone rings, the generic ringtone sounding through his apartment, distracting him from clicking from one website to another, as if something could have changed since he checked the last time, five minutes ago.

“Hey Roxas it’s Sora, we met at the party!”

“Oh, hey!” Roxas brightens, it’s only been two days and he would’ve called (he would’ve, he would’ve) but this was nice, this was better, “how are you?”

“Great,” there is loud noise in the background, it sounds like Sora was outside somewhere, “Listen a bunch of us are going to the beach, since it looks like this has officially been declared the Last Week of Summer. Do you want to come? We’re meeting at Nikolassee in like, two hours? At one.”

“Yeah,” Roxas says, “sure, I’ll come. Do you, uh, do you need me to bring anything?”

“Umm, something to drink, probably,” Sora answers, “Or chips? I don’t know; whatever you want to have I guess! I’ll see you there!”

He hangs up and Roxas is left to fend for himself, finding his swim trunks somewhere in back of his closet, trying to decide which towel was clean enough to take, debating on the sunscreen and running by the grocery store to pick up coke and some chips.

He’s late, but it’s the S-bahn’s fault because hell, he didn’t know they were going to the out edges of Berlin and had to wait 15 minutes until the next train came. It turns out it doesn’t matter though, because Axel is the only one standing on the platform.

He’s wearing green swim trunks and a black shirt, backpack slung over his shoulder and he smiles widely at Roxas.

“So Sora called you too, huh?”

“Yeah,” Roxas says, “good thing too, if it’s really the last week of summer.”

“Probably,” Axel laughs, “we’re in Germany after all, the country with six months of winter and six months of no summer. It’s lucky we get another warm week this late in August.”

And Roxas laughs too, setting his own backpack down by his feet, "So where are we going, actually?"

" _Strandbad Wannsee_ ," Axel tells him, "It's the nicest beach we have. You have to pay to get in, like two Euros or something, but you get actual sand beaches and the lake is really big and the whole thing isn't covered in algae, so who am I to complain?"

"Wannsee is the biggest lake here, right?" Because Roxas had read some stuff about Berlin by now. He wasn't, you know, completely useless.

"Yeah," Axel answers, "There's lots of others, but you know," he shrugs, "This is the one we go to mostly. Everyone has their one place, right?"

Roxas nods, and for a moment they stand in silence and just when Roxas thinks that it's going to get awkward Axel smiles at him, wide and with just a hint of teeth and okay, that makes everything that Roxas had been pushing out of his head reappear in it. Because it was a nice smile, a little sharp around the edges, outward instead of upward but it makes something clench in Roxas stomach and, okay, okay, okay he can handle this.

And then Axel starts talking, about nothing really, filling in the holes in conversation. He asks about Boston, about going swimming there and what he did in his free time. Roxas talks about his friends, about Hayner and Pence and Olette, and skateboarding and Axel laughs and tells him that he went to school with Riku and Kairi, and about the time Riku and he decided to be in a band.

"We weren't very good," he says, "Like, really not very good. But it's what you do at that age, you know, to attract people. And Riku was okay and pretty enough and we performed a couple of times for the school and then the whole thing sort of fell apart."

"What did you play?" Roxas asks and he's laughing too and this is easier than it's ever been, talking to anyone else.

"Guitar," Axel answers, "I still have it at home, but really we were not good. At all. I think our music teacher only let us play because she was so happy that anyone was willing to perform at official school things."

He looks fond when he says it though, like the memories of sucking at something are good enough that the actual sucking doesn’t matter. It’s a good look.

Roxas is about to comment, something about not being able to imagine it, but then there's a hand on his shoulder and he hears Sora.

"Hey you made it! Sorry we're late!"

"You always are," Axel says, "We really shouldn't count on you anymore."

We. He warrants a ‘we’ and even if it's meant in a friends kind of way it makes Roxas happy because, hell, this is the second time he's meeting up with these people and yet they're already including him in a ‘we’.

" _It was Riku's fault_ ," Kairi says and she's wearing a straw-hat this time, peeking out from underneath the wide brim, " _He had to get his hair just right, you know_."

" _I know_ ," Axel says, " _brush it and condition it and shit. He gives me more grief about taking care of my hair than my hairdresser does_."

He switches to German effortlessly and wow, Roxas is jealous of that. Jealous and impressed.

" _Yeah well_ ," Riku looks unimpressed, " _Color requires upkeep. Let's get going."_

Turns out it’s just the five of them, because although Sora calls everyone other people apparently had other plans or are out of town. They have to walk fifteen minutes to get there, passing people who are clearly going to the same place they are, families herding small children, loud groups of teenagers who are _so glad it’s the weekend_.

The beach isn’t wide but it’s full of people, everyone trying to claim a piece of space with their towel. There are this weird, wicker beach chairs that you can probably rent or something and everyone else is battling for the remaining meters of space on the sand.

They find a space towards the end of the beach that’s big enough for the five of them. Sora dumps his stuff and immediately starts pulling his t-shirt off, tossing it down next to his bag and taking off towards the water.

“Last one in the water is a loser!”

The rest of them just sort of stare after him in wonder. Kairi’s openly laughing and Riku rolls his eyes, dropping to his knees and digging a towel out of his backpack. Sora screeches when he hits the water (fuck that’s cold!) but keeps going, wading in deeper and deeper.

It’s only when their space as been firmly claimed with towels and bags that the rest of them proceed to strip off their shirts, (and in Kairi’s case, pants) and follow Sora into the water.

He’s already waiting for them, dripping, impatient and laughs when they stop about ankle deep, because jesus, fuck, that’s cold.

They splash in anyway and it takes forever to get anywhere close to being deep enough. Kairi’s in the water first, launching herself in Sora’s general direction and not surfacing until she’s behind him, pushing him into the water.

This, of course, launches the most epic dunk-war in existence and there’s no way any of the other’s could stay out of it. Roxas’s feet are pulled out from under him within the first few minutes and there’s no way he cannot retaliate after that.

And if --- if it gives him the chance to _touch_ Axel, to put his hands on the wet, pale skin of his shoulders and push down, to grapple with him under water, well. That’s the way it is. Roxas likes touching, likes getting his hands on people, to see how they feel and Axel’s skin is smooth and wet under his fingers.

They swim afterwards, swim out until they can’t touch the bottom anymore and they can see the boats that occupy the rest of the lake. They are talking and laughing, splashing water at each other but Roxas keeps looking at Axel, his gaze keeps dragging back to him and he thinks it might be getting obvious but fuck, he doesn’t care, really, because Axel’s skin is pale and smooth and his hair is dark with the water, falling down his back. Except for one strand that’s plastered to his neck and collarbone and Roxas stares at it and wants to reach out and brush it aside and Axel catches his eyes and smiles at him, sharp and with teeth.

It takes a while for them to get tired of the water, especially Sora, who swims like fish and sings songs from the Little Mermaid under his breath, but eventually their back on shore, weaving through the mass of towels and making their way to their own.

They dry off, except Sora, who just sort of flops onto his towel and drips, eyes closed, smiling happily. Riku rolls his eyes and Kairi smiles indulgently and Roxas sort of gets the vibe that this is just the way it _is_ between the three of them.

He sneaks another glance at Axel, who is currently running his towel over his arms but he catches Roxas’s gaze and smirks a little before Roxas can look away again. He has to stop doing that. He has to stop being so pathetically obvious all the time.

After that it’s just nice, the five of them and the sun. Roxas gets a sunburn on his nose and when they go into the water a second time Axel has a hand on Roxas’s shoulder and leaves it there just a little bit too long and Roxas isn’t at all sure what he’s supposed to think about that.

\--

It becomes a thing. The five of them hanging out became a thing. Well, more or less. It wasn't always the five of them because sometimes people had shit to do and other people didn't have shit to do but there was a fairly well-established group of people that did things together and quite a bit of the time Roxas was part of the group and quite a bit of the time Axel was too.

It did things to him.

It shouldn't take Roxas by surprise because this was what he did: crushed on people. He'd done it back at home and he was doing it here and really, he should be getting practiced at this now.

Because okay, this was the thing right, he crushed on people and he had never, ever admitted to crushing on boys. Not out loud, to anyone. Not that he thought they would hate him for it or disown him or something because the people he surrounded himself with were generally not dickheads but. But what if they did? What if his friends or his parents didn't believe him? What if they were stupid about it? What if they rejected him? What if they hated him? It made him scared that, so scared that he had never had the courage to talk to anyone.

It had been fine really, because he crushed on girls too and that was enough to cover for him. And yeah, maybe he'd thought that coming here, to Berlin, where no one knew him he could lead a whole different life. Admit to crushing on boys, do something about it maybe. If he got the chance.

And now, now he sort of had the chance, was crushing on someone who even had the inclination to return his feelings and all he was feeling was terrified out of his mind.

Because while before hadn't been perfect it had at least been stable. Something to count on. Crush on girls, admit it to his friends, pine awkwardly from the distance. Crush on boys, admit it to no one, pine awkwardly from the distance. This, this thing where he told himself he had to do something about it, this crushing on someone who shared the same social group, same friends as he did, who might possibly, actually be in a position to like him back? That was something that had never happened to him before and it was terrifying.

But in a good way.

In a good way because he could feel himself pushing at his boundaries.

He’s at home right now, in his apartment, skyping with his mother, who keeps leaning in front of the camera as if it will let her get a better view of Roxas’s room.

They chat, his mother worries, whether he’s eating well and about the city. (He didn’t tell her about the sex shop, though Cloud had laughed) and sometimes his father ducks into the conversation. It’s easy, easier than being at home was, somehow and maybe he felt a little guilty about that but not enough to really care.

It's almost October now, and the weather outside has been steadily getting worse. Sora had been right about the week where they went to the Wannsee being the last week of summer. Ever since then it has been steadily getting colder and darker, raining at least once a week. The days that are nice are really nice, clear and soft and everyone still sits around outside, though they wear sweaters instead of t-shirts, trying to hold onto the last remnants of summer.

But not today. Today it's raining and the leaves outside of his apartment are steadily getting browner and fewer. Roxas makes a face at them, at his computer screen. He doesn't like winter but he did choose to go somewhere so far north.

After he's done skyping with his mother he slumps down on his mattress, which still doesn't have a bed frame because really, he cannot be fucked to make the trek to Ikea with public transport and to then spend a whole day waiting, hovering until the frame is delivered. Also, Ikea is sort of like Roxas worst nightmare, with the people and the stuff and the having to decide what you want. He'll just continue sleeping on the mattress on the floor, thanks.

It's only a week and a half until university officially starts and he's not freaking out about it, he's not. Well, maybe a little, but the whole thing would have been a whole lot worse if Riku and Axel hadn't explained where he could find his classes online to make up his schedule and who he had to ask about what. He's lucky that he found them honestly, because going into university already knowing someone is so much easier than having to this all by himself. He doesn't know if he'll actually see them at uni (the TU has something like 27,000 students) and their mostly not in the architecture building, but hey, at least if he gets totally lost there's someone who would probably be willing to have lunch with him. If he can call them. Because he has to. He has to take it upon himself to take steps to making this work, these friendships. He has to go towards them.

That's freaky too, because he's been friends with Hayner since he was little and with Pence and Olette since middle school, there hadn't ever really been any necessity to for him to go towards people and make friends with them. But that was what he had to do now; he couldn't just expect them to come to him, so he told himself. Sora might be the one who organized most things, coming towards him, but he wasn't sure if Riku and Axel would take the same steps and they were the ones who were at uni with him. And even if the thought of actually going to them made his stomach twist into knots (because what if they didn't want to hang out with him? what if they were only putting up with him because Sora kept inviting him?) he could recognize that as mostly being his own insecurities and something that he had to push through. And he could. He could do it. He had to. That was why he had come here, after all.

It was with this in mind that he texted Axel later. Later being when University had finally started and he had managed not to have a panic attack about people speaking German everywhere and having to understand the professor and navigating the campus.

Actually texting Axel had been a constant battle itself because on the one side, yes, yes he wanted to text him, wanted to indicate that he was interested in him that he wanted to meet him, wanted to do things. On the other hand what if he was being annoying? What if Axel didn't want him to text, what if this was a really stupid idea, what if the whole thing ended up being unbearably awkward and tainted his every interaction with Axel from this point on?

Okay, it was silly, at least a little. There was no need to make such a big deal about it, it was just a text and if Axel didn't want to talk to him or didn't want to spend time with him then he would just make an excuse or ignore the text and Roxas wouldn't be pushy about it (mopey, maybe, by himself) but they could just continue in the same way they had been doing this whole time, there was no need to completely freak himself out.

So he'd pep talked himself into it and had managed to send Axel a short little text about how was being back at uni treating him and did he want to go eat lunch sometime, when they both didn't have class.

Axel's reply came surprisingly promptly (Roxas had been prepared to wait and wait for this text) and it was full of ridiculous emoticons and said that uni was fine, he hadn't wanted to murder anyone yet and sure, they should totally get lunch together, did Roxas have class between 12:00 and 2:00 tomorrow?

As it turned out Roxas did not have class between 12:00 and 2:00, so they ended up agreeing to meet over by what was usually called ‘the big mensa’ by the students. It probably had some sort of official name, but no one had told Roxas and really, it was the largest cafeteria around, there wasn't really any point in using any other identifier.

So Roxas was going to meet Axel at the cafeteria tomorrow and he was not going to freak out about it. Because, who knows, maybe Riku was coming too, it wasn't like this was some kind of date. It was just two guys who had become friends over the summer getting together to hang out. There was no need to freak himself out about the whole thing, there really wasn't. Right?

Roxas was a little late, because he professor had decided to cut into the normal 'let the students out fifteen minutes before the hour' thing that German universities apparently did and so he was looking for Axel as he walked into the main building, following a whole crowd of students. 12 to 2 was the most popular lunching hour and it showed: there were students everywhere. The lower floor of the building was a sort of lobby/meeting place/put money on your cafeteria card thing, where students just seemed to hand out and wait for whoever it was that they were supposed to be meeting here. There was another, smaller cafeteria too, but it was apparently more expensive and therefore mostly avoided by students who lived in the mostly permanent condition of being broke.

Roxas spotted Axel relatively quickly and it was stupid, this thing his heart was doing, this tiny little dance and he was so nervous because hell, even if Axel didn't know what this was he, Roxas, definitely knew. Knew that this was him hanging out with the guy he had a crush on.

And his stomach tightened even more when there was no sign of Riku's trademark silver hair and bored gaze, just Axel, tall and skinny and with his red hair all over the place. He was looking around, and when his eyes passed over Roxas Roxas raised his hand and gave a small, awkward wave. Because that was what he did, that was how he functioned around people who were attractive, okay?

But Axel grinned at him and pushed his way over through the mass of students opposing him in their quest to get to their meals.

"Hi!"

They're not really close enough to do the elaborate hug/hand clap thing that Sora does with everyone he meets, so for a moment, they stand next to each other, the Axel twitches his shoulders and jerks his head towards the stairs.

"Hungry?"

"Starving," Roxas says and he's not lying. It smells weird, like lots of different types all in the same room. It's not a good smell per se, things that don't necessarily go with each other layered over each other but he doesn't mind too much. The main room of the cafeteria is filled with students grabbing at plates and trying to pile as much food as they can onto a single pile. Roxas ends up getting pasta with some sort of sauce, because there is something slightly suspicious about the meat and he doesn't really feel like having potatoes.

He loses Axel in the crowd, doesn't know where he went to grab his good but he figures he'll see him by the cash registered that funnel all the students into the main hall where they sit and eat. He doesn't see him standing there waiting, so he grabs a fork and knife for himself and then scans the hall.

It's full, of course, because everyone and their mom are trying to get food now. There's a ground floor with large tables, filled with different groups of people laughing and talking. In between there's professors and aides and single people eating their lunches in a quick, determined fashion, while conversation rages around them. Roxas can't see if upstairs is full from here, most of the tables are blocked from view.

There's a bump at his elbow and it's Axel, nudging him with his own tray. He has potatoes with some sort of gravy and meat piled on it, and he smiles at Roxas, less sharp than usual.

"Found anywhere to sit yet?"

"Not really," Roxas admits. There's space sure, but to close to where they're standing and navigating the whole cafeteria is an exercise Roxas really doesn't want to attempt, with people and backpacks and really, really narrow spaces everywhere.

Axel looks in the opposite direction from where Roxas is staring, then starts moving that way. Roxas follows him and once Axel glances behind him, just to make sure.

Axel did indeed spot a pair of seats across from each other that they don't have to push their way through masses of tables to reach. They set their stuff down and let their backpacks fall to the side. Roxas kicks his under the table and drapes his jacket over the back of his chair. It's cold enough now that he's wearing a jacket and it makes him sort of depressed about the winter that's coming.

"So how are classes?" he asks Axel instead, to distract himself from the impending doom of cold and darkness.

"Class is fine," Axel says, "The first week is still mostly professors trying to tell you that this is a really. important. class." he waves his hands around for emphasis, "And here are some really. important. dates. that you need to remember even though we'll probably change the whole thing again by next week. Not really very exciting yet. What about you?"

"I'm doing pretty good," Roxas tells him, "The German isn't too bad, at least not yet. I can pretty much understand everything and thanks to you and Riku I actually have some idea how the whole thing works so I don't feel like a total idiot."

"Hmm," Axel is stuffing his face, so he can't answer but he does smile at him. It makes Roxas swallow and he gets busy with his own food, taking quick bites of his pasta. It's not good, not really, but it's cheap and there's a lot of it, which is what most students look for when coming to the cafeteria, so there's that at least.

They eat and chat, Axel complains about his professors a little and the fact the university is just so unorganized, not managing to set up the extra classes online and the fact that he the times he gets for the classes are utter shit.

"But," Axel shrugs, "At least it frees me up to have lunch with you."

And okay, this is what Roxas doesn't know what to do with. How is that meant. It looks like flirting, seems like flirting even to him but he can't quite convince himself, that Axel would want him, that Axel would be flirting with him. So he just shrugs, an awkward, helpless movements and smiles back nervously.

"You want to keep doing this, then?"

"Sure," Axel says, "I don't have anything else to do and we need to eat, right?"

So that's where they stand, a lunch date once a week. Sometimes Riku shows up, complaining about classes and professors and homework but most often he stays away, doing whatever else. Roxas doesn't know. Roxas doesn't care because he's having lunch with Axel and it's a thing for them, a thing that they do, together just the two of them and it's laughing and chatting and flirting and sometimes Axel smiles at Roxas in way that makes him feel like he can't breathe anymore.

He’s easy to be around, is the thing. Axel talks a lot and fills the silence. He’s snarky and sarcastic and his sense of humor skirts just this side of inappropriate. There’s a sort of easy, unassuming self-confidence about him that Roxas just can’t get over because it’s something that he doesn’t have and Axel makes it look good.

What am I doing, he thinks, lying in bed at night, on his mattress, staring at the ceiling, what am I doing? He doesn't know because the thing is, it probably looks like friendship from the outside but Roxas doesn't want it to be friendship, not really. He's cool with friendship if that's all that he gets but really, he wants Axel to put his hands on him, wants to kiss him, wants to do all sorts of things to him and this, this is where he's at and he doesn't know how to move on from that, how to get to the next step or if the time for that has already passed, if maybe it's too late already.

Weeks passed like this though and it gets colder and colder and Roxas classes get harder. He has group projects, terrible, awful group projects with other people and too little time for all the work that needs to be done. He meets a girl name Naminé, though, and likes her, gets along with her and they start having lunch together too.

November comes and November is shit. It rains all the time and when it doesn't rain the sky is cloudy and gloomy, as if it is trying it's best to make people depressed. Everyone wears dark coats (except for Kairi, whose winter jacket is bright, obnoxious purple) and all the trees have lost their leaves, leaving only the empty branches stretched out in front of Roxas’s window. Sometimes when it storms they tap against the window.

It gets dark earlier too, so that it’s almost as if Roxas spent all his daylight hours inside. The short hours of light that were still left when he gets out of his classes aren’t really inspiring to do, well, anything at all.

But November is also the month of Axel's birthday and Axel is not a guy to let a chance for a good reason to consume alcohol go unnoticed. So he has a party at his place or a get together of friends or whatever. It’s a lot of people, and everyone brought something to drink and they crowd into Axel's two room apartment, filling the place with laughter and laying all over his couch and bed.

Roxas is invited too. He brings a bottle of rum and a lot of uncertainty.

Axel’s apartment is a little bigger than Roxas’s. There’s a hallway covered in shoes and a separate kitchen and the bathroom is bigger and Axel’s room has a big bed (an actual bed, not just a mattress) and a two couches tucked around a small table. There’s a desk too, strewn with papers and Axel’s computer is on it, music playing from it. Axel also has a cat, who’s sitting on top of the refrigerator in the kitchen, looking haughty. She’s grey and skinny and her eyes glow yellow as she hisses at the people who come to close. Axel introduces her with a grin when Roxas leans into the kitchen and tells him she’s called Nina after Nina Hagen, the German Godmother of punk.

Axel leaves him after that, goes to answer the door when it rings again. It's fine, though. Roxas slips out of his shoes and goes to find Sora, who promptly hands him a beer and they talk about university for moment. Sora gets super excited about something in his program, which Roxas doesn't really understand because it has to do with exercise and nutrition. Roxas explains his latest project and then it's Sora's turn to look confuse, but they move on, to topics that interest them both more.

Roxas likes Sora, because Sora is easy to be around, easy to like. Sora is interested in what you have to say and interesting himself and there is a presence around him that’s light and warm and welcoming and like he never stops to think how something would like or if it is the wrong thing to say and somehow, by doing so, manages not say or do the wrong thing. Unlike Roxas, who over-thinks things and doesn't quite feel comfortable in his own skin.

Sora and Roxas don’t get to chat long, before Kairi drags them into the living room where there’s a serious group discussion going on about the new Batman movie that is about to come out and there are a couple of serious Batman fans in the room, expressing their dissatisfaction with Batman's representation while some other Batman fans everyone else talks around them about how interesting and gritty the film is going to be. It’s frustrating for the Batman fans against the film and fun for everyone else and soon enough Roxas is settled on the floor between Kairi and Sora, nipping from his beer occasionally and enjoying himself.

The Batman discussion panders out and someone proposes shots, which take a lot of maneuvering as Axel doesn't have enough (read: hardly any) shot glasses but it doesn't matter, at one point everyone has a glass with tequila or vodka or whatever it is they prefer and someone raises their glass in a toast to Axel's birthday and they drown it.

It burns in Roxas mouth and throat and he remembers why he doesn't like doing shots. But then he has another beer in his hands and they keep talking, keep drinking, getting progressively more ridiculous. Someone (Demyx maybe?) hijacks Axel's computer and criticizes his music collection before settling on a German punk band called Die Ärzte, who have been around so long that they have something that everybody likes.

Roxas knows all the people at this party; he's met them all before, at least once or twice. He likes them, mostly, and it's strange that he has friends by proxy. He's Sora's friend and Axel's friend and little bit Riku and Kairi's friend and everyone else, well they know each other, sort of.

He doesn't know why he's thinking about this now, his brain is going a little fuzzy from the alcohol and he's not quite following the conversation, which is completely in German and about programming, something he finds hard to follow even when he's completely sober, so he just sits there and hopes he looks half-way interested and instead nurses his own thoughts.

His gaze though, his gaze keeps returning to Axel, who's lying on his own bed, on his stomach, arguing with a girl called Larxene about something. His hair is spiked up and he's animated, using his hands to make points, even though it makes him look like he's paddling the air. He's active, smiling and happy and he looks so comfortable in his own skin, like he knows where he belongs, knows himself, and Roxas keeps staring, at his mouth and his cheekbones and his tattoos and he has to do something, has to move because he doesn't know what to do with himself.

So he gets up and moves to the kitchen, mumbling something about getting another beer. Someone calls after him to bring them another too and he acknowledges with a wave, even if he's just moving to get away.

Axel's kitchen is small. There's a table and a fridge and a stove and it's crowded, barely enough room to pass through. Roxas climbs, scoots through, over to the balcony where everyone dumped their beer once it became clear that it wasn't going to fit into the fridge. He pushes the door open and steps out into the cold air and slides the door closed behind him, not totally because getting locked out here would really suck but enough to give him a moment of privacy.

It's not raining, which is good, but everything is wet like it just finished. The balcony is tiny too; barely enough room for two people to stand on it, but right now it's just Roxas and a bunch of six packs, so there’s more than enough room. Roxas leans onto the banister and peers up at the sky, but between the light of the city and the rain clouds there aren't any visible stars.

Oh god, he doesn't know what to do. Because he wants, he wants so much but he's unsure and he has no idea how to go about getting what he wants. And when he watches Axel, there's a reaction in his chest a tug at his heart and he can't, he can't breathe-

Roxas doesn't know how long he stands there. Long enough for him to get cold, despite the sweater he's wrapped in, long enough that a light drizzle picks up again, just soft drops of water that occasionally fall onto his hands as he clutches the guardrails. He should go back inside, join the party, but he doesn't move, just stands there with the beer.

Suddenly the door is opened behind him and Roxas turns around, because it's probably someone wondering where their beer went or looking for one of their own and he really doesn't want to be caught out here moping in the rain but it's just Axel, his face in the shadows as the light from the kitchen surrounds the spikes of his hair, highlighting them.

"Hey," he says, grinning lightly, the way he does, lips pulling outwards, "you disappeared and someone said something about beer so-" he shrugs and moves to stand next to Roxas, making no move towards the beer.

"Sorry," Roxas says, "I got distracted. It's nice out here."

Axel snorts at that, "It's November in Berlin and your standing on the balcony of my shitty apartment. I don't know if this is exactly the best time for good impressions."

"I like it," Roxas says, turning his head back to look out over the city. It's true, it is kind of depressing, everything is gray and dark between the sparse lighting and the constant rain but it seems fighting right now, and oh god, he's being mopey, being depressed, it's Axel's birthday, he really should be making an effort.

Except Axel isn't moving, just standing there in the cold next to him in the rain. He leans against the banister with his hip so that he's facing Roxas and the light from the kitchen is illuminating his face, lighting up half of it and throwing the other half into the shadow. Roxas can hear the sounds of the rest of the party inside, the laughter and someone is shouting, the undertone of music and someone is signing along to the music. Axel doesn't look like he wants to go back inside though. He looks perfectly happy to stand here in the rain on a tiny balcony with Roxas, standing so close to him that Roxas has to look up to look into his face, because the rest of the floor is taken up by six packs.

"So," Axel says and smiles down at Roxas and he's so close to him that Roxas wants to move back, but he can't because he's crowded into one corner of the balcony already, the one he stepped into to make room for Axel.

"Yeah," Roxas shrugs and really, this is not a high level of conversation that he's holding here, it's really not. But he's a little tipsy (not drunk, not yet, he knows the difference) and he's looking up at Axel. His breath condenses between them when he breathes out and that's a stupid thing to notice, isn't it, right now, with Axel's mouth right there.

Except, maybe he shouldn’t be distracted by Axel’s mouth right now? He doesn’t know really, it’s late and it’s the kind of moment where proper thought processing has stopped working for him, so he licks his lips and looks up, eyes flicking from Axel’s mouth to his eyes.

Axel’s looking down at him and totally saw Roxas staring at his mouth. But he doesn’t move away, just smiles a little, one corner of his mouth curling up and it’s soft, so soft and Roxas feels like he can’t breathe, like something in his chest is being pulled too tight.

Then Axel’s right hand is coming towards him, his fingers on Roxas’s neck and the thumb on his cheek. Roxas breath hitches and he doesn’t pull away, doesn’t want to, couldn’t and Axel is leaning down Roxas thinks _fuck it_ and pushes up, closes that last bit of space and kisses him.

For a moment it’s awkward. Their lips don’t quite fit together and Roxas doesn’t know what to do with his hands but then, somehow, they find a position that works and then it’s awesome, it’s fantastic. Axel’s lips are moving against his and Roxas doesn’t have a whole lot experience with this but his hands come up and land on Axel’s shoulders and his fingers curl closer.

And then Axel pushes closer, closes that last bit of space between their bodies, crowds Roxas backwards until the guardrail is digging into his back. He licks Roxas bottom lip and Roxas opens his mouth and there’s tongue involved and Roxas, Roxas goes along with it because this great, this is better than great this is _awesome_.

He doesn’t know how long they stand there on the balcony kissing but it’s long enough that finally someone knocks on the balcony door and they separate, breathing a little heavier than usual and Roxas is sure that he grin on his face is something approaching idiotic but he doesn’t care, not even a little bit.

“ _Not to disturb_ ,” Larxene says and she looks less than impressed with the two of them, “ _but you’re blocking the access to the beer. So maybe you can find somewhere else to suck face?”_

Axel laughs and Roxas hopes he isn’t blushing. Larxene pushes the door open completely and grabs a few beers from the ground.

“ _God it’s fucking cold out here, how the fuck can you stand it?_ ” she demands before pushing her way back inside. She doesn’t close the door and they can hear her announce to the rest of the party that they should go get their beers now, before the two of them start up again.

“Maybe I should get back to my party, huh?” Axel asks.

Roxas is a little disappointed but Larxene is right, it’s cold as fuck out here and really, it’s Axel’s birthday party, so he nods and moves towards the door. Axel catches his hand though, pulls him back a little and kisses him one more time, before pushing himself through the door and pulling Roxas along, hands still linked.

Most people are well on the way to some stage of drunkenness by now so there are a couple of hoots and shouts when they enter the room, but that’s it, everyone just continues with the conversations they were having before. Axel finds himself a spot on the floor and pulls Roxas down beside him. They sit close together, sides pressed together and Axel’s arm is slung casually around Roxas, holding him.

It’s nice. It’s really nice except that now that they’re not kissing anymore Roxas can think properly about what just happened and promptly begins to panic. Quietly, inside his own head.

This is obviously fantastic development, of course. Axel wants to kiss him, he wants to kiss Axel, it’s all good. But what is he supposed to do now? Is he supposed to stay the night? Is this an alcohol fuelled birthday booty-call thing? Except that doesn’t seem right, they’re friends, right, and Axel isn’t that drunk.

So it’s probably not a one-time thing but that really doesn’t make Roxas feel better about things because he still really unsure about how he’s supposed to act now and what this actually means. Are they dating? Boyfriends? And while he is really, really sure that at some point in time he does want to stay with Axel and have sex he’s also pretty sure that he doesn’t want to do that quite yet.

What is he supposed to do? What is he expected to do?

Help.

So, on the one hand it’s perfect, because Axel’s arm is warm around his back and on his hip and their sides are pressed together so he can lean into him. On the other hand he’s sort of collapsing in on himself with nervousness.

In then end there’s no question of what they will or will not do tonight because at least three people end up sleeping on Axel’s floor, drunk and unwilling to move. Roxas leaves with a couple of other people to catch the first of the public transportation running again and Axel kisses him at the door, soft and sweet and smiling.

It makes Roxas breathe easier and he’s smiling all the way home.

\--

Roxas is in the bookstore when his cell phone goes off. It’s the biggest bookstore in Berlin (at least, he thinks it is. It’s pretty damn big and they have a decent English section is what counts) and he likes browsing, likes the thinking about all the books he wants to read and that he would buy if, you know, time and money weren’t an issue. It calms him.

The text he gets is from Sora. _So you and Axel??????_ It reads.

For a moment he considers ignoring it, just tucking the phone back into his pocket and pretending that he never received such a text because really, this is what he is ignoring.

His phone goes off again.

_Don’t you dare ignore me!!!_ it says because apparently Sora knows him that well despite the fact that they’ve only known each other since summer.

So he texts back.

_Yes, apparently?_

_But why the question mark???_

And that’s the thing right, he doesn’t quite know. He woke up this morning with a mild headache and an absolute lack of ideas about what he is supposed to do now. Contact Axel probably. After all they’d made out on Axel’s balcony last night and Axel had kissed him good-bye. It was a pretty clear thing.

But, uh, what exactly was Roxas supposed to _say_ in a text to him?

So he texts Sora back.

_I haven’t talked to him yet._

_Then why are you talking to me?!?!?!_

Sora’s a little heavy on the punctuation marks.

_I don’t know what to say_

_Dude, Larxene was the third person to go out for beer and I’m pretty sure she only interrupted you because she has no heart. I’m sure that whatever you say will be fine. No worries!!! ;)_

Okay so there’s that. Roxas stares at the Science Fiction section for a little longer, letting his eyes wander over the titles, then he sighs and heads over to the biography section. That was always more his thing anyways.

He knows it’s stupid to worry like this. Whatever he texts Axel will probably lead to them meeting up and then they can talk and make out some more and everything will be fine. He does worry though, he can’t help it and he can’t help feeling stupid for worrying about it but there you go.

His phone goes off again, as he’s looking over three different biographies of Gandhi and not really taking anything in. It’s Sora again.

_I don’t know much about how things are between you and Axel but you two seem really into each other and when you get something like that you should go for it because it doesn’t really happen that often._

Because Sora does shit like that. Goes into a situation and gives sage advice and manages not to be a dumbass about it. He isn’t quite like anyone else Roxas has ever met.

It makes him smile, though, and it gives him enough courage to type a text to Axel. It’s nothing complicated, just asking if he’s woken up and how the hangover is. Nothing that he wouldn’t have texted before, when they were just friends but it feels different now.

And Axel texts back, complaining that Demyx had only now left him along and asking Roxas if he would like to come over.

_Because I’d really like to kiss you some more_ the text says and Roxas stomach twists in on itself and his heart flutters because he wants this, he really does and he can’t quite believe it’s happening to him.

\--

So. Axel is his boyfriend.

It’s _different_. Not just because they make-out now (and they do, oh boy, they do) but because of all the other stuff that happens. It’s like, because they’ve made it official they are allowed to do all sorts of things that were, well not technically off limits but that seemed like _too much_ when they were just friends.

They still have their lunch date but they meet up more now, just around the university, in between lectures. They sit in the cafeteria, legs pressed against each other under the table. They walk to buildings together when they’re going in the same direction and sometimes when they’re not. They go to each other’s lectures, rarely (because Jesus Christ Axel’s lectures are incomprehensible and therefore boring as fuck) and just sit next to each other, or hold hands, waiting to get out of university and go to one or the other’s apartment.

It’s things like this, but it feels like a lot.

No one treats them any different though, now that they’re holding hands in their presence. Riku does smirk at Axel sometimes and Axel responds with complicated expressions, and the whole thing mostly ends in affectionate laughter.

Roxas spends a lot of time at Axel’s apartment, because let’s face it, Axel’s place was a lot nicer than his. He figures out Axel has a weird, eclectic collection of German bands and likes to watch Science Fiction TV-shows. He forces Roxas to watch Firefly and then Serenity because clearly he is evil and wants to watch Roxas suffer as his favorite character dies.

They make out a lot, shedding clothes and exploring each other with their hands and mouths and tongues. Roxas learns how to give a blow job and Axel doesn’t seem to mind that he doesn’t get it quite right a first.

They’re good together and Roxas feels better than he ever has.

\--

December comes and with it the inevitable Christmas spirit. Lights are put up in the streets and the shops have Christmas trees in their windows but few people bother decorating their apartments (as far as Roxas can see, at least). Sora drags Kairi and Riku out to buy a Christmas tree for their apartment and then decorates it with glee. Sora loves Christmas.

One thing that does appear is the Weihnachtsmärkte. In almost every public space booths pop up, selling food and candy and trinkets, everything decorated with Christmas trees and lights. Their charming at first, but a pain to get through if you’re just trying to get across the square, weaving around the booths and the people.

Roxas doesn't visit one properly until the second week of December. Axel refuses to go to the most famous one in the middle of Berlin, at Gandarmen Markt, since they charge you money to get in and he has bad memories connected to it from that one time his grandmother came for a visit and had insisted on going.

So they wander around the one near the University, at Breitscheid Platz. There's a church in the middle. Two technically, but one is the bomb-out skeleton of the original church that was left up after World War II, as a reminder. The other, the new church is a smaller, grey building that looks unassuming and it had taken Roxas the longest time to figure out that that was the actual church now.

There are booths everywhere, side by side, made out of wood and all with the same red-and-white-striped roof. There doesn't seem to be any particular order to the way they are arranged, there's a stand selling Chinese food next to one selling jewelry and one that sells sugar covered almonds and other assorted candy next to the candle and incense stand. Everything smells like food, fresh off the grill, and Christmas Music is blasting from somewhere.

They go when it's dark, which isn't difficult because it gets dark at something like four p.m. now and there are people everywhere, people and lights and smells. It's cold, too, it snowed two days ago and there are piles of graying snow between the booths and the air is biting at Roxas's cheeks, making them red. They have to push through the crowds and Roxas constantly looks over his shoulder to make sure that Axel's still there. They stop and peer at the stalls, and Roxas wonders idly if his mother would like a candle shaped like a unicorn for Christmas (probably not, he decides) when Axel slips his hand into Roxas.

For a moment Roxas freezes and Axel stills next to him. He's looking down at him, eyes wide and thoughtful.

They don't really do public affection much. Not that they decided they were against it per se, it just...well, Axel knows that he’s  Roxas first boyfriend, first time that anyone actually knows about the whole liking boys aspect of his personality. So there hasn't really been any hand holding in the university, or kissing in front of the lecture hall or anything. But, it was stupid, no one had ever seemed to give the slightest indication that they cared about what Axel and Roxas were doing and they were boyfriends. Roxas squeezes Axel's hand slightly and smiles up at him.

Axel looks at him for moment, taking in his face and then smiles back at him, nice and easy and bright and it makes Roxas feel warm all over, it makes him so, so happy to see Axel like this, to know that Axel smiles like that because of him.

They go for food next and Roxas makes a face when Axel get’s his French fries with a combination of mayonnaise and ketchup but Axel just laughs at him.

\--

Roxas goes home for Christmas. It's been planned that way since he first moved to Berlin, his father had insisted and they had booked the flights early enough so that they didn't have to pay a shitton of money. It also meant that they had booked the flights before Axel had happened but seeing as Roxas hadn't even told his parents that him having a boyfriend was something that could happen he isn't able to use the fact of Axel to stay in Berlin. Not that he wanted to really, because it was Christmas and Christmas was family time but-

His whole family came to pick him up from the airport and the drive back was filled with chatter, everyone trying to fill him in on what had been happening and trying to get everything out of Roxas. He talks about Berlin and his classes and his friends and his mother smiles at him in the rearview mirror, so it's all good.

The houses in his street are decorated from Christmas, like always, and after the apartments that are kept relatively bare in Berlin (Riku had informed him that according to German tradition you don't put up the Christmas Tree until Christmas Eve, but he knows plenty of people don't follow that tradition) it seems slightly overwhelming and kitschy but also welcoming and, well, like home.

He's not allowed to carry his own suitcase to the house, Cloud does it for him. His room is basically the same as when he left it and Roxas flops down on his bed, buries his face in the pillow and inhales. It smells like it always does; the laundry detergent that his mom uses, clean and fresh. They probably put on new sheets for him and then he thinks guiltily about the last time he changed the sheets on his bed back in Berlin. It's sort of gross and he vows to do it as soon as he gets back.

For a while he just lays on the bed, listening to the sound of his father in the kitchen, making coffee and his mother and Cloud talking, too quiet for him to hear. He could fall asleep like this, probably, but he doesn't really want to. It's not that late yet and he should wait at least until they've had dinner.

Roxas doesn't feel like moving either, though, so he keeps laying on his bed, looking at the posters on his wall that are both very familiar and eerily strange. His head still feels like it's swimming with exhaustion, though, so he doesn't bother examining the feeling too closely.

"Do you want coffee, Rox?" his father calls to him.

"Yeah, be right there!" he yells back and swings himself out of bed.

He goes to the bathroom first, washes his hands and looks at himself in the mirror. He doesn't look much different than the last time he was looking at himself here, he thinks. His hair is a little longer, a mess from the flight and the car ride, but really he doesn't look different. He's not sure if he expected to, but he feels like he's changed and somehow he thinks that should be reflected in his appearance.

But no, he's even wearing one of his old hoodies, faded and comfortable and perfect for traveling, so he shrugs at the mirror and goes out into the living room.

His father hands Roxas a mug of coffee, which Roxas all but inhales. His father makes the best coffee, that was something he had missed in Berlin, and he can really use the caffein if he's planning on staying awake.

"Hayner is home for Christmas too," his father tells him, smiling, eyes crinkling behind his glasses, "I thought you might want to go over and see how he's doing."

Roxas is elated. Not that he had expected not to see Hayner, because, well it's Christmas and they live right next door to each other and have been best friends since they were tiny, tiny creatures. But he hasn't seen him in a while, only skyped sporadically (less, Roxas thinks guiltily, the more time he started spending with Axel) and it will be good to see him, to talk to him, to tell him everythi-

Oh.

Hayner doesn't know about the whole liking guys thing either.

This is so strange. He isn’t used to it anymore, people not knowing. Everyone in Berlin knows, it isn’t something he’s ever had to come out and _tell_ people. And yeah, he’s sorta, kinda not been telling anyone about him and Axel in skype conversations and e-mails for the last two months (every time he’d thought about it he’d tied himself in knots and insisted to himself that this was the kind of conversation that they had to have in person and really, he’d do it once he was back in the states) but it osn’t the same as going over to his friends’ houses and not telling them about the boyfriend you had and really liked.

So. He’ll have to tell him.

And like that, the knots in his stomach were back.

\--

He meets Hayner a little later, after dinner, when he comes over and brings some of the cookies his mom makes. Hayner chats with Roxas's parents for a couple of minutes and then, snatching a couple of cookies, they move to Roxas's room.

"Hey." Hayner says and flops down on Roxas's bed. It's the same as always. There have been so many scenes like these over the years of their friendship that Roxas can't even count them anymore and still this feels weirdly unsettling.

"You okay man?" Hayner looks at him, concerned.

"Yeah," Roxas shrugs, "Just, tired, you know?"

Hayner looks sympathetic and shoves a cookie into his mouth, munching slowly. Roxas takes one too, turning it over in his hands. It's not uncomfortable, this silence between them, not exactly. They've known each other too long for something like this to be uncomfortable but it still, it isn't quite comfortable either, not for Roxas at least. There's a weight in his stomach. He knows that this is something he should tell Hayner, probably should have told him long ago (but he thinks, this was his thing, his to tell, when he wanted, when he was ready). He doesn't know how.

He thinks about not telling him. He thinks about just keeping quiet about the whole thing, letting everyone believe that Axel and he are just friends and that he just hasn’t met any girls. Then he thinks about the maneuvering it will take, the straight out lies and he doesn’t want to. He doesn’t want to tell people, doesn’t want to make a big deal but he also doesn’t want to _hide_ this, not something that makes him so happy.

"So Berlin is awesome then?" Hayner asks when he finishes his cookie, already snatching the next one. He's a messy eater, getting crumbs all over Roxas's sheets, but Roxas can't really bring himself to care.

"Yeah," he says, "It's pretty fantastic. I really like the city and I've met some really cool people." And his heartbeat speeds up at that, beating heavily in his chest.

"Cool," Hayner squints at him, "Any cute girls?"

"There's-" And Roxas stops. Licks his lips. Tries to find the right words. "I have a boyfriend."

For a long moment there's nothing.

"What?"

"I- You know the guy I told you about, Axel, he's-"

"Your boyfriend." Hayner doesn't sound angry or surprised or disappointed or anything that Roxas had pictured he would sound like. He doesn't sound like anything at all and Roxas is afraid to look up at him from where's he's sitting on the floor, leaning against the bed. He grips the carpet and it’s rough under his fingers.

"Yeah."

"Okay," Hayner says and now he sounds more like himself, a little shaky and unsure but okay, "Okay, really, Rox, how long has this been going on?"

"The Axel thing or the liking guys thing?" he asks, looking down at the carpet.

"Both, either," Hayner pokes Roxas in the shoulder from the bed, "Would you look at me? You're coming out to me right now, aren't you? You should look at me."

And Roxas does, tremulously and Hayner is kind off smiling, a soft tug at the corner of his mouth, like he can't believe what Roxas is putting him through.

“Umm,” Roxas runs his hands through his hair, gripping it, “Axel and I have been together for about a month and half? Two months? And the liking guys thing, I don’t know, since I was fifteen? That’s when I realized, I think.”

“Huh,” Hayner breaks off part of a cookie and pops it in his mouth, “You kept that quiet.”

“You’re the first person I’ve told,” Roxas admits, “I mean, everyone in Berlin knows but here…”

He trails off, shrugs, picks at the carpet.

“You know I’m cool with, right? Hayner says, “And if anyone gives you shit about it, I’ll punch them? Olette and Pence will too. And Cloud. Oh boy, definitely Cloud.”

“Thanks,” Roxas says, means it.

\--

Hayner leaves shortly after that because Roxas is really tired and really jet lagged but he hugs him when he leaves, like nothing has happened and Roxas is really, really glad he told him. It feels nice, it feels good to tell someone like this. To make it all his own thing.

So he tells Pence and Olette, who hug him and want to know about Axel and he tells his parents over dinner, who hug him and assure him they love him and he tells Cloud in the grocery store.

"Huh," Cloud says, looking up from the display of bananas where he was trying to choose a bunch, "I did think you talked about him quite a bit." Then he grabs oranges instead and that's that. No one makes a big deal and Roxas feels like there's a weight that has been lifted off his chest. Everyone who is really important knows now and no one cares. They're happy for him, tease him about Axel and when Roxas skypes with Axel on Christmas Eve he can feel himself smiling easier. It seems silly to have put it off like he did, now, but that's the way things work isn't it? It always looks easier looking back.

He celebrates Christmas with his family and Aerith comes over too, for dinner. She smiles serenely at him and hugs him close and Roxas is happy, to be surrounded by people like this, by family who knows and understands him. It's a gift.

He flies back to Berlin before New Years, because Uni is starting on the second and Roxas would really prefer not having to go to his first day hung over and jet lagged. Axel picks him up at the airport.

"Hey," he says.

"Hey," Axel answers and then they hug, arms folded around each other in the middle of the airport because it wasn't long that Roxas was gone, but it was long enough and damn it.

They go to Roxas apartment and Axel carries his bag, though Roxas protests he can do it himself.

Axel just grins and starts going up the stairs so Roxas follows, smiling.

They kiss as soon as the door is closed, bag falling to the floor. It’s a small, dirty apartment and the bed is still just a mattress on the floor. The dead branches of the tree are stretching out in front of the window and the pale January sunlight is flooding in through the window, illuminating everything.

Roxas has his back pressed against the door, Axel pressed against him and their kisses are hungry, desperate, like it wasn’t just a ten day visit to the family that separated them but more.

The stumble over to the bed, almost falling over, shedding coats and hats and gloves and when they fall down onto the mattress Roxas pulls at Axel so that Axel’s mostly on top of him. For a moment Axel’s face just hovers over his and Roxas’s eyes trace his features, the sharp chin and sharp eyebrows, wide mouth and green, green eyes. It’s so familiar by now and it hits him, now, now that he’s back, how much he missed him. It’s a deep, sharp ache in his chest and he tugs at Axel’s head, tugs him down and kisses him again.

There’s more after that. Clothes tugged off and thrown on the floor and Axel’s long, long fingers trailing over Roxas’s exposed skin until he’s shuddering, coming undone. Mouths on skin and skin on skin and heat and movement until _more, more, more-_

“I told them,” Roxas murmurs afterwards, when they’re both lying on the mattress that is really too small for them, blanket pulled over them haphazardly, “That we’re together.”

Axel stills next to him, face turned towards Roxas. He looks surprised, mouth parted slightly and eyebrows rising, and Roxas feels a guilty tug in his stomach but then Axel smiles, wide and loose and leans forward to kiss Roxas.

\--

It gets colder. It’s January and there’s ice on the sidewalk, snow that melted and then refroze before anyone could clean it off. The cold is like knife, cutting through clothes, scarves and gloves. No one spends time outside if they can help it.

There’s only a little sunlight, pale and desperate when it does manage to cut through the cloud cover. Sometimes Roxas doesn’t see the sun for a week. Everything seems grey and everyone is dressed in dark coats. Roxas buys the thickest boots he can find but it still doesn’t seem to be enough. The cold always manages to find a way to worm itself in.

So he spends a lot of time in doors, huddled under blankets in Axel’s apartment because it’s warmer than his. Axel is beside him a lot, the warm press of his body comfortable and welcome.

It’s early February when he meets Axel’s mother.

Axel’s family is…complicated. His mother is American. She came over to Germany as student, to study art in Berlin. This was just after the wall had come down, when everything in Berlin was new and exciting and under construction. She met Axel's father, also a student, who had come up from Bavaria to study engineering.

They'd fallen in love and she'd gotten pregnant with Axel. Moved to Bavaria with Axel's father when he had graduated and found a job. It didn't last though, and when Axel was three she'd taken him back to Berlin.

Axel's father had married again and had two more daughters. Axel saw them during his vacations, when he went down to Bavaria to visit.

Axel's mother is tall. Not as tall as Axel, but as tall as Roxas. Her hair is red, like Axel's and short and her mouth is wide like his and when she smiles she smiles like him, out instead of up.

Axel takes him over to her apartment for lunch on a Sunday. It's a small apartment, cozy and warm and filled with art. She works as a sculpturer and a translator.

"So you're Roxas," she says at the door and gives him a once over as he takes off his shoes, "I'm Mel."

Roxas shakes her hand and the grip is firm and warm. There's a shawl wrapped around her shoulders, and she shifts it as she walks, red and orange fabric flowing.

They have chicken and potatoes for lunch and Axel talks about his lectures too much. He's nervous; hands flying around to illustrate even though neither Roxas nor Mel understand the intricacies of computer programming. Mel looks amused though and occasionally sends Roxas a conspiratory glance. It makes him smile to himself.

At one point Axel goes to the bathroom, even though he seems reluctant to leave Roxas and his mother alone together for an extended period of time. Roxas can understand, he wouldn't be too keen on having his parents alone with Axel either. Not because he thinks they would do something terrible but...the potential for embarrassment is just too great. Still, he doesn't think Mel will do anything that warrants Axel's worry.

"Do you want some coffee?" she asks.

"Yeah, sure," he says. They're still sitting in the kitchen and it's small and cluttered. The walls are painted orange and there are herbs growing on the windowsill and a small sculpture made of stone.

She moves around the kitchen with economic grace, getting his coffee ready for him.

"You’re just here for a year, right?" she asks, finally, when the coffee is running through the machine. She doesn't sit down at the table with him but leans against the counter, one leg crossing over the other.

"Yes," Roxas says and tries not to think about it. Because the first semester is almost over and that means his time in Berlin is almost half done. He doesn't want to think about it.

"You're only the second boy he's ever introduced to me," she says.

Roxas doesn't know what to say to that, so he doesn't say anything and a moment later Axel is back in the kitchen, looking relieved. They have coffee and Mel asks him about his degree and whether he's thought about staying. He hasn't. He's been trying not to think about anything at all.

So it’s a nice meal and after they have coffee and pastry Mel shoos them into the living room where they sit on the couch and Axel channel surfs. It’s Sunday afternoon though, so there’s nothing on that isn’t inane. 

Eventually Axel turns the TV off because he doesn’t believe in using the TV as background noise. If there’s going to be background noise it’s going to be music. Which is probably the reason he starts digging through his mother’s records instead, not CDs, actual records. He flicks through them, muttering to himself while Roxas watches over the back off the couch, watches Axel’s long pale fingers, flick through the covers and tilt of his hips as he leans against the cabinet. Watches him handle the record when he finally chooses one, setting it carefully into the player.

It’s not something that Roxas recognizes, but it’s nice, a woman singing and soft guitar sounds. Axel turns the volume down anyway, and crawls over the back of the couch so that he can flop down next to Roxas again.

“Hey,” Roxas murmurs.

Axel’s lips twitch like he wants to be sarcastic, but he just smiles instead, “Family, huh?”

“You’re mom isn’t so bad.”

“Not yet,” Axel rolls his eyes, “wait until she starts telling you about the rest of her family. Nutters, all of them.”

“I heard that,” Mel calls from the kitchen.

“You know it’s true!” Axel yells back.

“Yes but remember they’re your family too! It’s in your genes to end up like them!”

Axel winces comically and Roxas raises his eyebrows at him. It seems like an old exchange, one that he’s not a part of but he likes this, being at that edge of something that screams _family_. Lord knows his family has things like that as well.

They play _Mensch Ärgere Dich Nicht_ , which is played like Parcheesi but looks different and Axel and Mel argue about cheating and Roxas wins the game. Records are scratchy in the background and at one point it begins to snow, again, like it has been for the last three days. Axel scowls at the weather and when they leave Mel tries to force him to wear a hat, to no avail.

It’s still snowing when they walk through the streets, the thick fairy tale flakes that only happen once in a while. Roxas will probably hate the snow again soon enough but right now it’s nice, their boots leaving footprints on the sidewalk. They pass a couple of people walking their dogs and Axel bumps his shoulder into Roxas, letting out a breath as he goes.

“Thank you,” he says.

“I did get lunch out of it,” Roxas answers, “And besides, your mom is cool.”

Axel smiles at him, from the side and his face is kind of half in the shadows but Roxas is pretty sure he wants to look at him forever.

\--

It doesn't let him go, though. The fact that he's going to have to leave, that whatever he builds up here is temporary. He knew that from the beginning, he knew that he only had a year and that everything that he built here he wasn't going to be able to take with him.

It's hard to remember though, when he looks at Axel in the morning when they wake up to go to University or to study and Axel's hair is everywhere and he smiles sleepily at Roxas and there's no edge to the smile yet. Then it feels like his heart is being yanked out of his chest because he recognizes that he loves Axel. Loves him more than he's ever loved another person before, loves him especially because Axel loves him back and this is something that they grow into together.

He doesn't want to leave it. He doesn't want to think about going back to Boston, which even now that he's not keeping secrets anymore feels constricting. He thinks of college there and his friends, of leaving the wide expanse of this city that he's grown to love and he doesn't feel good about. He doesn't want to. Doesn't want to leave it all behind.

But he doesn't really think about it. Not yet, there's still time and for now he can push the whole thing ahead of him, push it away and not think about it. It's the end of the semester, or at least the end of lecture time and then it's time for exams because that's how Germany does it, exams in the two months you don't have to go to lectures. For Roxas it means projects and for Axel it means studying and swearing at his computer but it's also nice. Comfortable.

By coincidence the first really nice day of the year (in March) ends up being right after Roxas hands in a big project and Axel finishes his last exam (until the middle of April at least, but whatever, he can study for that later). It's nice, sunlight all over them and after the weeks and weeks of seeing nothing but grey skies it's like a revelation. It's not warm by any means, but it's not cold. Warm enough that you don't have to wear gloves though gloves and jacket aren’t really optional.

They meet up with Sora and Riku and Kairi in their part of town because Sora insists on never letting a chance for being outdoors go unnoticed. So they're in a cafe, sitting outside with a bunch of other people and really, if Roxas didn't know this city by now he would think the people were crazy because it's really not warm enough to do that. But they're all sun-starved and it's nice to sit outside and let the sun spill over their skin, even if they’re not nearly warm enough yet.

Roxas has his hands wrapped around a hot chocolate and is watching Axel stir sugar into his coffee when he catches Sora watching him. He's seen a lot of Sora these last months. Not as much as Axel, not nearly, but more than basically anyone else and they’re at a point where he would basically consider Sora his best friend. Sora makes a face at him over the hot chocolate and there's whip cream on his nose, because Sora cannot consume any sort of food without getting some of it on his face.

Roxas smiles at him and sticks around after Axel decides that he should probably have dinner with his mom, seeing how he hasn't really seen here since he's been studying so much.

Riku and Kairi take off too, because they still have exams and need to study so finally it's just Roxas and Sora. Roxas orders another hot chocolate because no matter that the sun is out his fingers are starting to get cold.

Sora’s cleaned the whip cream off his nose and he’s looking a little pink around the edges, the sting of the cold air. The other people in café are also wrapped in coats and scarves but everyone resolutely refuses to go inside. There are so many people walking around on the sidewalk, more than Roxas has seen in weeks. He wonders where they all hid, if they just decided to spend their winters inside.

“So I’m going back to Florida,” Sora says conversationally, licking his spoon. His hair is sticking out from his hat in little tufts. Roxas’s heart lurches.

“What, I thought you were doing your whole Bachelor here, why-?”

Sora laughs, interrupts him, “Not permanently. Just for like, two weeks. I miss it, you know?”

“Oh,” Roxas breathes out, “That’s, uh, good?”

“Yeah,” Sora hums to himself, “What about you, you going back to Boston anytime soon?”

“No,” Roxas grips the hot chocolate that’s been brought in the mean time, warming his fingers against the drink, “My brother is coming visit in, like, May but I don’t have any other visits home planned. Seeing how I’m moving back after this year.”

“Hmmm,” Sora says, “You ever think about staying here?”

It makes Roxas breath catch because _no_ he hasn’t ever thought about staying here. In his mind this visit has always been finite, limited. He’d been agonizing over having to go back, having to leave everything behind that he hadn’t even thought about the possibility of just _staying_. Making this his place.

“I don’t think my parents would let me,” he says finally.

Sora laughs, “maybe you can convince them.”

The sun comes out from where it crept behind a tiny cloud and the tiny sunrays warm Roxas’s fingers.

\--

Roxas is lying on Axel’s bed on his stomach, watching the Ultimate Spiderman cartoon on his laptop. He’s really just waiting for Axel to finish up his phone call so they can go out and meet up with Sora and the rest in the park. It’s April now, and everyday has been getting nicer. There’s actual sunshine now and you don’t have to wear a giant, heavy coat anymore.

Nina is lying on the bed beside him, eyes half closed and watching him. It’s a gaze without suspicion and reservation though, because although she totally hadn’t liked Roxas at first they are now friends and she sleeps on his back when he stays over at Axel’s and he rubs her belly until she’s purring and wiggling in joy. It’s a mutually beneficial friendship and Axel laughs at him every time Roxas says so.

“ _Yeah, no,_ ” Axel says now. He’s in the kitchen so Roxas can’t see him; just hear him talking to someone in annoyed German, “ _I already have plans. I told you-“_ He breaks off and listens for a moment, sighs, “ _yeah, okay, I’ll ask him. I’ll call you back.”_ He pauses again, “ _I love you too. Bye._ ”

He hangs up and stands in the kitchen, tapping his fingers on the counter, then sighs, puts the phone down on the counter and stalks into the bedroom. Roxas looks up from the laptop screen, ignoring the antics of Peter Parker and Axel is standing in the doorway, frowning a little.

“That was Dad,” he says, long fingers running along the doorframe nervously, “He wants me to come down to Bavaria over Easter and I told him we have plans but-“ he shrugs.

They don’t really have plans, just the vague idea of spending the days together. Riku, Sora and Kairi are planning on driving up to coast or to Poland or something but the two of them had decided not to go, but had just wanted to stay here, enjoy their time together, still ignoring the pressing feeling that maybe, soon, all this will come to an end. Still, Roxas knows that Axel feels vaguely guilty about not seeing his father and his sisters more often so…

“He said to ask you if you wanted to come with,” Axel says.

Roxas’s face twitches. He’s not quite sure what to do with that.

“Your father wants me to come with you over Easter?” he asks instead.

“Yeah.”

“Do you want me too?”

“Yeah,” Axel says, “I’d like that.”

\--

One and half weeks later they’re on the train to Munich, where Axel’s father will meet them. They reserved seats, so Roxas is looking out the window while Axel twitches nervously in the seat next to him. There’s a lot more leg room than on a plane, letting Roxas stretches out his legs and leans against the window. The sky is very blue outside and the clouds look like they’re painted into the sky, white and fluffy.

It’s a six hour ride that they spend watching a movie on Axel’s laptop and bantering. They eat the sandwiches they bought at the station and Axel listens to music while Roxas reads. One way or another the time goes by and finally they get out of the train.

Axel’s father is waiting for them on the platform. He’s tall, like Axel and skinny, like Axel and there’s something similar about the way he smiles, but his hair and eyes are dark. He hugs Axel and shakes Roxas hand.

“ _Call me Martin_ ,” he says.

Axel’s sisters are also there. Sonja is seven years old, slender and dark haired with quick movements. Lena is the older one, tall and bespectled, with light brown hair. She presses her face into Axel when she hugs him, wrapping her arms around his torso and not letting go.

Roxas isn’t quite sure what to do with himself.

They mostly look at him curiously, chattering with Axel about school and their friends. Sonja tells long, winding stories with too many people and sometimes Roxas’s German leaves him but for the most part it isn’t as bad as he expected.

They meet Axel’s stepmom Christine at home. She’s a tall woman with a plump figure and a concentrated look. She hugs Axel and shakes Roxas hand, firm and welcoming.

The house is nice, two stories and made of wood. There’s a porch out back and a large yard, with a sandbox and a swing set and a hammock set up between two trees. Kid’s toys are strewn all over the grass. They have dinner outside and then the girls are forced to pick up their toys, something that takes a lot longer than it should.

It’s Sonja’s bedtime soon and she wants Axel to take her to bed and read her a story. He does, leaving Roxas with the rest of his family. He sits on the porch until Lena approaches him timidly and asks him to play Uno.

They don’t really talk, because she’s shy and he doesn’t know what to say either but the game is fun.

He’s losing spectacularly when Axel comes downstairs again. Lena is delighted and the three of them keep playing until Christine comes to shoo Lena to bed as well.

They’re put up in Lena’s room, because she has a double bed. Lena is camped out in Sonja’s room on the floor. Axel sighs when they finally excuse themselves and reach the room.

“I’m sorry about this,” he says.

“It’s fine,” Roxas tells him and means it.

They fit next to each other on the bed, not snuggling because Roxas can’t fall asleep wrapped around someone even if it inevitably ends up that way during the night. For now it’s just Axel’s hand on his own, a foot next to his calf. Axel’s toes are cold but he doesn’t really mind.

\--

The door squeaks open the next morning and someone pads in softly. They, whoever they are, stop next to the bed and thank god that’s Axel’s side, because it’s too early. They say something and Axel groans, tightens the hand that’s wrapped around Roxas and answers but Roxas doesn’t know what’s going on because he is not yet awake enough to Do German and go away please. The person pads out of the room again, closing the door again.

It seems like five minutes later that the door is thrown open again and someone runs into the room and climbs on the bed, yelling “Aufstehen!!! Früüüüühstück!”

It turns out it’s Sonja, calling them for breakfast and the first time it had been Sonja too, a little more circumspect, checking to see if Axel was really still asleep.

They go down stairs for breakfast, still in their pajamas. Breakfast is on the table, bread and butter and cheese and things. There are also soft pretzels and Axel brightens when he sees them, cutting them open enthusiastically and spreading butter all over. He insists that Roxas has to taste them and it’s not pretzels like he’s used to, harder and ultimately more delicious.

“Can’t get stuff like this anywhere else,” Axel comments, grinning.

“ _Why are you speaking English?”_ Lena demands, “ _Don’t speak English, we can’t understand.”_

Axel rolls his eyes and pokes her cheek, “ _Eat your breakfast.”_

_“What are we doing today?”_ Sonja has marmalade around her mouth and is already wiggling off her chair to do god-knows-what. Roxas can barely manage to drink his coffee; he doesn’t have the energy for much else. How do children do it?

“ _You still have to paint the Easter eggs,”_ Christine says,trying to keep Sonja from running away from the table.

They end up on the on the porch, colors set up on the table and paint-brushes all over. Axel has paint on his face and is muttering something about being an engineer, not an artist. The girls are enthusiastic, dipping their eggs into all the different colors until they are a clashing mess. They fight over the paint brushes and the colors until their eggs look like someone puked rainbows onto them.

Roxas decides to stick to simple designs, like just dipping his eggs into the color so that that they end up an even shade of blue. Later he even goes crazy and decides to go half and half on one egg, orange and blue (the other color combinations wouldn’t have been any better, okay?).

Later Christine sends them away, to go buy things for the Easter breakfast happening tomorrow. Axel’s extended family will be coming, so Roxas will have to meet them to. Axel makes a face when he asks about it.

“Let’s see if you can understand them,” he says, “They’re all very local.”

During their shopping trip Roxas finds that he does have a hard time understanding people. They speak dialect here, drawn out vowels and words that aren’t part of the normal German vocabulary. It’s not like people speaking with an accent; this is people speaking what is almost completely another language, albeit one related to German. Still, most people speak regular German, only occasionally slipping into the regional dialect, though there is one old lady in the line in the Bakery where Roxas can’t make head or tail of what she’s saying to the cashier.

Axel can though. Axel knows to say ‘Grüß Gott’ instead of ‘Guten Tag’ and Roxas pouts because he’d just been thinking that his German is getting really good by now and here’s Axel.

Axel laughs at him and says that just because he can understand it doesn’t mean he can speak it. He’d really rather not try either, thank you, because it’s just embarrassing when you have an accent in your own regional dialect.

They finish their shopping and make their way back to the house. Sonja and Lena are in the garden, with some of the neighbor’s kids. They’re involved in some sort of elaborate fantasy game that involves water and sand and climbing trees so Axel drops of the shopping the kitchen and then pulls Roxas down on the swing bench. Except for one or two curious glances the kids ignore them.

They’re leaning against each other, knees bumping when Axel pushes the swing.

“Hey Roxas,” Axel says and when Roxas turns to look at him he’s right there and kissing him. It’s soft and easy and Roxas let’s his eyes fall closed, let’s himself just keep kissing.

They’re interrupted when a couple of kids decide it would be funny to start throwing leaves at them and that just ensures that Axel ends up chasing little girls through the garden, hanging them from their ankles when he catches them while they scream with laughter.

Roxas laughs from the swing.

\--

Axel’s uncle comes to the Easter breakfast. He smiles at Roxas as they shake hands and says something that sounds pleasant and hearty, but is so completely in dialect that Roxas fails to understand a single word. He just smiles and hopes that nothing important is being asked of him until Axel comes to his rescue and translates.

The uncle also brings along his son, a skinny, sullen fourteen year old with dark curls and zits. He seems in awe of Axel, his cool, grown-up cousin and blushes bright red when he sees Axel and Roxas holding hands.

“ _That’s Axel boyfriend_ ” Sonja informs him, “ _Sometimes they kiss.”_

He keeps watching them with sideways glances throughout the day, though he’s quick to look away when Roxas catches him.

Breakfast is fun. It's more like brunch actually, seeing that it takes a while to get the whole family gathered around the table that's been set up in the garden. Lena and Sonja spent the morning hunting the Easter Eggs that had been hidden in the garden for them, so both of them are now proud owners of little baskets filled with chocolate.

There's a lot of food for breakfast, ham and bread and some sort of dough-thing with raisins in it that you eat with butter. And eggs. Bunches and bunches off eggs and Axel introduces Roxas to the tradition of making eggs battle against each other by hitting the tops against each other until one egg wins. Martin has the crowning egg that manages to defeat everyone.

It's nice and familiar, everyone is talking and eating and the kids were screaming at each other. Sonja leaves the table early, determined to do another search of the garden to make sure that none of the Easter Eggs had been forgotten. Roxas feels comfortable, even if he can't understand a thing that Axel's grandmother is saying to him and Axel is smiling beside him, though there is a slight line of tension in his neck and a sort of...deliberation to his words.

Someone, inevitably, brings up the topic of Roxas moving back to Boston and Axel tenses beside him. Roxas hands tighten around his cutlery, because he really, really doesn't want to discuss that here, but it's an Aunt asking him, looking bright and expectant, just making small talk.

" _I'm going back in the summer_ ," Roxas says carefully and feels slightly nauseous at the thought.

" _Oh_ ," she answers, " _You aren't staying in Berlin? That's too bad for Axel_!"

They exchange a quick glance; the line of Axel's mouth is hard.

" _It was only a one year exchange_ ," Roxas says, " _So I was never intending to stay longer anyway._ "

" _Well, it's lucky that you met someone like Axel then_!" she exclaims and then is distracted by the grandmother asking her to pass the salt and having to help her child cut up its ham.

Roxas looks at Axel and he looks unhappy. They should talk about it, how much Roxas doesn't want to go, how much he's been thinking about asking if he can just stay here, complete his Bachelor's Degree. He doesn't let himself think about it much, because he's only been together with Axel for five months and to change your life for something like that isn't really...well it wasn't something had ever thought he would be doing. But it's not just Axel, it's the city, it's Germany, it's the friends he has here and the freedom. He could stay here, could finish his degree and then go back, could keep living here. It's not so strange.

But they can't talk now, not over Easter Brunch like this and when Lena leans in to tell Axel about how she went to the church to have the salt and the ham blessed with their grandmother (even though Axel's family doesn't seem to be like, at all religious) Roxas turns his thoughts away from it and takes another bite of his ham. They can talk about this later.

\--

They do talk about it, sort of, in the train on the way home.

Or rather, Roxas clears his throat and says, “I was thinking of staying in Berlin, even after, you know, this summer.”

The look Axel throws him is so bright and hopeful that it makes his heart ache a little but then Axel’s grinning at him.

“Oh yeah? You think your parents will let go of their baby?”

“Shut up,” Roxas throws a balled up napkin at Axel’s face and he laughs when he catches it.

\--

They don’t talk about it anymore after that but Roxas does think about it. Does some research, about how it would work with credit transfer and the Universities. They’re very helpful and he thinks that he can’t be the first student to have done this, come here for a year and then decided to stay.

He doesn’t broach the topic with his parents yet.

Cloud is scheduled to visit him in May and Roxas wants to talk to him first because Cloud generally has a good head on his shoulders and if he backs Roxas up on this then it will be much easier to convince his parents that this is a good idea and something that they should let him do.

He picks Cloud up from the airport on a day when it’s unreasonably warm for Berlin. He thinks it’s because the city wants to give Cloud the wrong impression of it, wants to make it seem like Roxas endless bitching about the cold was just an exaggeration.

Cloud’s tired, of course he’s tired, there’s no one he’s met who did the stupid flying across the Atlantic thing without being tired. But he’s still awake enough to want to do things, go out for dinner.

“Invite your boyfriend,” he says, grinning, “I’d like to meet him.”

Which is how Cloud, Axel and Roxas end up going for dinner to the Indian Restaurant down the corner from Leon’s apartment. Cloud is staying with Leon because Leon has a guest bedroom and Roxas still only has a mattress on the floor. It doesn’t seem worth picking up a bed anymore at this point.

Roxas is nervous and he can understand why Axel had apologized for taking him to meet his family now. Because the thought of what Cloud could say or do, or worse the fact that Cloud might not _like_ Axel, well, it’s nerve wracking and really he doesn’t want to deal with it.

He does have to though. Axel meets them at the restaurant and Roxas waves him over to their table.

“Hey,” He says and slides into the seat next to Roxas. He leans in and gives Roxas a quick kiss and when Roxas glances over at Cloud there’s a thoughtful expression on his face.

They eat dinner and talk. Cloud tells him about how the wedding preparations are coming along and what their parents had been up to, tidbits of news from Hayner and Pence and Olette, though Roxas probably knows more about what was going on with them than Cloud does.

And Cloud talks to Axel. Some of it is questioning, intense and probably meant to be embarrassing if Cloud's smirk is anything to go by. Roxas kicks him under the table when he asks if Axel would defend his honor and Cloud gives him a full-fledged grin, which is as good as Cloud breaking into full on laughter at the table. Axel eyes from the side. 'You never told me your brother was crazy' it seemed to say but Roxas ignores him. Axel didn't grow up with his siblings, he doesn't understand that it was clearly their destiny to embarrass the hell out of each other.

At one point Cloud excuses himself to the bathroom and Axel turns to him.

"So is he always like that?"

"No," Roxas shakes his head, trying not to give into the temptation and just bury his head in his hands, "No he's kind of quiet mostly. I don't know why he's playing up the whole, er, big brother thing right now. Sorry about this."

"Well," Axel smirks, "At least he hasn't asked if we always use condoms, so I'll count that as a plus."

"He probably doesn't want to think about me having sex," Roxas mumbles.

Cloud comes back from the bathroom soon enough and the rest of the dinner goes uninterrupted. It's nice and Cloud is paying for the food, so that's nice too. They leave the restaurant together and Axel walks with Roxas and Cloud back to Leon's apartment. He holds Roxas's hand too, glancing at Cloud when he takes it as if daring him to say something but Cloud just gives him a quick, quiet smile.

They leave Cloud at Leon's and Roxas agrees to pick him up tomorrow morning (skipping class but oh well, it's not every day your brother comes to visit you in Germany and it wasn't that important of a class anyway). Then it's just Roxas and Axel.

"Do you want to come over?" Axel asks, stepping close to Roxas, right into his space, smiling down at him, wide and bright.

Roxas weighs the thought. He could. He doesn't have class tomorrow anyway and there's probably some clothes of Axel's he can borrow tomorrow so that it doesn't look like he spent the night with him. Not that Cloud would mind, he thinks, not really, but...he's not really sure what his brother thinks about his relationship so better to pretend it's all pure for now? Maybe?

(You're twenty years old, his mind scolds him, you can have all the sex you want to have, no one can fault you for it. And it's right but still he doesn't really...it seems too much to spend the night at Axel's apartment when the whole reason Cloud is sleeping at Leon's is because there isn't space at Roxas's place.)

Still, Axel kisses him, makes a very good case of going back to his place with tongue and teeth and finally Roxas gasps, "Okay."

\--

Roxas wakes up to his cell phone ringing. Axel's gone already, to an early lecture, but Roxas was going to pick Cloud up a bit later, let him catch up on sleep and all, so he was still in bed. He doesn't recognize the number but he picks up anyway. Nina gives him a long suffering look and jumps off the bed when he dares move, but Roxas can’t really be bothered with one cat’s hurt feelings right now. She’ll get over it by the time he figures out what is going on here.

“ _Hallo?_ ”

“Hello, brother of mine,” It’s Cloud and Roxas sits upright in the bed rubbing sleep from his eyes.

“What’s going on?”

“Well, because of jet lag I was up bright and early this morning and I thought, hey I could surprise my brother at his apartment and we could go for breakfast! So Leon gave me a ride on his way to work and now I’m in ringing your doorbell and no one’s answering so the real question is: where are you?”

“Ummm,” Oh God, Roxas is not awake enough to deal with this right now.

“Went home with your boyfriend did you?” Cloud sounds obnoxious and cheerful, which is something that Roxas hasn’t heard from him in a long time. But then, when was the last time he gave him teasing material this good?

“…Yes?”

“You don’t sound sure about that Roxas. You’re not sleeping under a bridge somewhere are you?”

“No! No Jesus, yes I’m at Axel’s place.” Roxas sighs and pushes himself out of bed, “And we weren’t supposed to meet yet, so really, this is not my fault. Just, like, go to the café across the street, _Das Schwarze Café_ and order something to eat, okay? I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

He brushes his teeth and throws on some clothes as fast as he can and storms out of the apartment. At least the connection between his and Axel’s apartment is pretty good; it won’t take him too long to get there.

Cloud has parked himself at one of the tiny tables outside of the café and is already drinking coffee. He waves at Roxas and gives him a small smirk.

“I hate you,” Roxas announces as he sits himself down in the chair next to Cloud, pulling the menu over to him, “Just so you know.”

“It’s not my fault you decided to stay and sex up your boyfriend,” Cloud stirs his coffee, “Is that why you were still sleeping?”

Roxas groans and lifts the menu higher, hiding his face, “I am not talking to you about this.”

Cloud laughs and pushes the menu down so that he can look at Roxas face.

“I’m happy for you,” he says and his face goes soft, “Really, I am.”

“Thanks,” Roxas answers and for a moment he feels awkward, because really, this is something that he’s never talked about with Cloud before but before it can get really intense the waiter is there asking for his order.

He gets hot chocolate because this place makes the best hot chocolate in the city, hands down and a breakfast with like, croissant and _Brötchen_ and Cloud gets the same thing, because really, what the hell. It’s not like he wants to spend time figuring out a German menu and it’s breakfast. He trusts Roxas on this.

At least Roxas hoped so. It would be pretty depressing if his brother doesn't even trust him with the choice of their breakfast. If that's the case he'll never trust that Roxas is capable of staying in Berlin past this year. Which is something that Roxas had been meaning to talk to him about.

Oh this was just great.

"So what did you think of Axel?" Roxas asks cautiously once the waiter had disappeared from their table, taking their menus with him.

"He seems like a good guy," Cloud answers, still messing around with his coffee though there can't possibly be anything left for him to do with it, "I mean, I'll have to have a conversation with him, the whole 'you break his heart I'll break your face' thing-"

"You wouldn't!" Roxas interrupts him, horrified and Cloud laughs.

"No, but it was worth saying it to say you make that face," he says, "But seriously Roxas, he's...well, he seems really into you. And you into him, if the fact that you went back to his house even though you told me you were going home is anything to go by."

Roxas doesn't lower his gaze and definitely doesn't blush. He didn't do anything wrong, damn it.

Cloud's face goes soft, "It's gonna be real though leaving him behind, huh?"

And that's Roxas opening, "Yeah. I mean, not just him, all my friends here, they're really cool, you'll like them when you meet them. Would like them. If you were going to meet them. Which you are not because you will just embarrass me."

Cloud smiles, tiny and evil and Roxas tries not to lose his nerve and plows ahead.

"I really like it here. Axel and my friends and the city but also the university and the projects we do here. I like the way it works and I was thinking," He pauses for a moment, tries to read Cloud's face, bites his lip, "I was thinking about asking if I could stay here to finish my Bachelor. Not come home in the summer."

"Oh." Cloud's face doesn't give anything away.

"I've built a really great place for me here," Roxas says, feels like he has to keep explaining so that Cloud will understand where he's coming from, "and I love you and Mom and Dad, but I feel-, I feel like I can get a lot farther if I just stay here. Finish my degree."

"Because of Axel?" Cloud asks and he's got that expression, sharp and hard, searching Roxas's face like he's looking for something that will give him away.

"Well, a bit, yeah," he can't pretend, after all that Axel doesn't play a part in this decision, "I really like him and I'd really like to see where this goes? If we can make something out of it. But, like I said, it's not just him. I just feel like this is a good place for me. Like this is where I want to be."

He doesn't think he can make Cloud understand that when he thinks of going back he feels a little bit like he's suffocating. Part of it is Axel he recognizes that, but. He loves this place, loves this city and he's grown into it, grown into himself here. Going back seems like regressing, like he will be trapped in something that he doesn't fit into anymore.

"Oh Rox," finally something gives in Cloud's face. It's small and understanding, like he can see where Roxas is coming from, "I'm not sure I get it but then I've never felt the urge to up and move my whole life to a completely different place and then fallen in love there. It does seem really important to you though and, well, I think if you can make Mom and Dad see that they'll understand. Even if they'll miss you."

"I'd still visit," Roxas says and Cloud laughs.

"Oh there's no way you're getting out of my wedding!"

\--

They spend some more time talking about it, during Cloud's stay. They also do all the touristy stuff that Roxas he ended up not doing by himself at the beginning of the year or that he had done but wanted to do again, because hey it's so much more fun if you have someone to do it with.

Cloud does get to meet all of Roxas's friends at one point and gets along fabulously with Riku. Sora, on the other hand, seems to overwhelm him slightly, even if he does tell Roxas later that he can see why friends like these ones are a reason for wanting to stay.

Roxas talks to his parents.

He has to do it over skype, which is not how he would have preferred to have this conversation, but if he wants to stay then it's going to take some organizing. Organizing that he has to do while he's still here, not while he's back in the States.

They don't take it quite as well as Cloud had.

They're not totally against it, but his mother seems to be convinced it's just the fact that Roxas can't bear to break up with Axel that keeps him there. There's a lot of lines like 'I know he's your first boyfriend Roxas, but you don't have to change all your plans to accommodate him' and 'you know there are other people you'll meet' and things like that. Roxas can't blame them, exactly, because what would he think if his child suddenly decided to change all his plans and wanted to stay in a foreign city?

But fact is, it's not true. There's more to it, the fact that he feels comfortable here in a way that he never felt at home. The fact that there are a lot of people he cares about here. That he likes the way everything is set up, that he wants to continue studying German.

Cloud talks to them too, and supports Roxas in his arguments and in the end he's given the go ahead to start making arrangements for his continued staying in Berlin.

For the most part it involves a lot of e-mailing with the university administrations and several face to face meetings in order to get his credits transferred. He also starts wading through the bureaucratic shit that will come with having to extend his visa, apartment, etc.

It's all worth it though. There's a feeling of release in his chest, like he's flying. A knot of anxiety that he's been carrying around with him so long he can't quite believe that it's finally, finally gone. It makes him giddy, thinking about staying, thinking about the fact that he doesn't have to go back.

He’ll probably actually have to buy himself a bed now. Or he can just keep using Axel’s and the mattress will continue to stay where it is. Whatever, he has lots of time to decide on that.

Telling Axel is the best part.

He can't wait, right after his parents finally, grudgingly and with reservations gave him the go ahead to stay. He wants to race over to Axel right away and share the good news, kiss him until they both can't breathe.

He can't though, because it's Cloud's second to last day and Cloud wants to go to dinner with him and Leon. So he goes to that, smiles a lot more than usual, bright and infectious and so wide that feels like his face might crack. Leon gives him a strange look and Cloud laughs at him, silently, over the top of his beer glass. Roxas can't bring himself to care.

The dinner takes forever, or at least it seems like it to Roxas, shifting on his chair while Leon and Cloud rehash old stories from college that get more and more ludicrous as they consume more beer. He wants it to end so that Cloud will go home with Leon and he can go to Axel's and tell him. He wants it to be face to face, this revelation, not over text or over a phone call. He hasn't even told Axel that he'd asked his parents so this will come as a complete surprise and he wants to be there to see it, wants to be there to see Axel smile.

Finally Leon gets the check and they get up to leave.

"Oh go on," Cloud says, rolling his eyes, "Go run and see Axel and tell him the good news. You don't have to walk me to the door, I have Leon, he knows his way around! But don't forget that you're taking me to the airport tomorrow! Don't you dare be late!"

Roxas frowns at him, Cloud rolls his eyes again and he takes off, catching the subway to Axel's house.

For a moment he's nervous when he rings the bell, because he hadn't exactly announced to Axel that he was going to come over. He should be home, though. He had class tomorrow, after all.

" _Ja, hallo_?" Someone asks over the intercom. It's Axel's voice, clearly recognizable despite the tinny sound.

"It's me," Roxas says and he's smiling again, feeling his face pull with it.

Axel buzzes him up. He's at the door when Roxas comes in, already wearing his pajama pants and a worn out t-shirt. His hair is wet from the shower, spilling over his shoulder and he looks confused when he steps back to let Roxas enter the apartment, simultaneously trying to keep Nina from running out the door and down the stairs by blocking he path with his foot. 

"What's up?" he asks, "Is something wrong?"

Roxas almost laughs at that because, no, no nothing is wrong, everything is fucking _perfect._

“I’m staying in Berlin,” he says.

Axel gapes at him.

“I’ve been talking to my parents,” he continues, “and Cloud. And they weren’t too enthusiastic about the whole thing but I think I managed to wear them down. Anyway, they told me that I can stay. Like, they’re not too keen on the whole thing but-“

He doesn’t get further than that because Axel is right up in front of him, pushing him back against the door, hands holding his face and kissing him. It feels like the world is spinning and Roxas is kissing back, pushing up against Axel, into him, hands coming around to clutch at his shirt, pull him closer. It’s hot and sweet and perfect.

Finally Axel breaks away, still close, leaning his forehead against Roxas. They’re so close to each other and all Roxas can see is the bright, bright green of Axel’s eyes.

“Really?” Axel says, voice slightly hoarse, “You’re really staying?”

“Yeah,” Roxas grin is wide and bright again and Axel leans in for another kiss, soft and slow this time.

“I love you,” Axel whispers to him between kisses and Roxas heart fills up with joy and he feels warm and so, so happy, because he knows that, he _knows_ that but it doesn’t hurt to hear it, straight from the horse’s mouth, so to say.

“I love you too,” he says and they stand there for a little bit, kissing against the doorway in a student apartment I Berlin. It doesn’t feel like he’s doing something complicated, like he’s leaving something behind. It feels _easy_ and right. This is where he’s supposed to be, this is where he belongs. He’s carved out a place for himself, grown into and he’s not going anywhere.

\--

He doesn’t oversleep to take Cloud to the airport, even though he does spend the night at Axel’s. Cloud hugs him before he goes though the security check point. Roxas wanders slowly through the airport, remembering what it felt like to arrive here and holy shit, that wasn’t even a year ago. In August last year he’d arrived at this airport not really knowing what was laying ahead of him and now, now he has all these things that he doesn’t want to let go anymore. Roxas shoves his hands into his pockets and wanders through the crowd, avoiding hurried people and their suitcases. It feels strangely right to be here, like the story has come to a full circle and really there isn’t anywhere else in the world that he’d rather be.

**Author's Note:**

> So that's my fic and you can find me on tumblr as littleconnections or on livejournal (though I don't really use that for, uh, anything anymore) as theartofflight. I hope you enjoyed and really, go look at the art!


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